Shift
by CastielAtTheDisco
Summary: Summary: Slash. LukeSeth. RyanSeth. Ch.15. And now we engage in conversation.
1. Tuesday

Title: Shift Part 1: Tuesday-Wednesday by: calcium_yeah  
  
Pairing: Seth/Luke, Seth/Ryan Rating: R (for safety, not even really slashy yet)  
  
Summary: The typical Luke/Seth non-con for now. Oh, and Ryan cares.  
  
Notes: Takes place sometime after "The Debut". Also, pretend you didn't see the pairings and act surprised when all is revealed later. Nonconsensual & angst warnings.  
  
It was a Tuesday morning when Ryan noticed the scratches. The markings on Seth were hardly noticeable. As if barely there nails had traveled over his skin days before. With all the fights, and the scuffles, and the altercations Ryan and Seth had gotten used to seeing each other bruised. But, Ryan didn't remember Seth getting into much of anything lately and Seth hadn't mentioned anything. Ryan's spoon sat still in his cereal as he contemplated the damaged skin emerging from Seth's collar, rising up his neck and he noted some laced about his arms and-bruises?  
  
"Um, dude, did I accidentally hit your pause button?"  
  
"Huh?"Ryan's eyes sprang to Seth's at this comment, he was still unsure about what he'd seen and he wasn't sure what Seth had been talking about.  
  
"Yeah, you completely looked like someone just yanked your batteries. I thought my father had gone all "Small Wonder" on me and made me a buddy." Seth kept adding on, waiting for a response. He finally paused. Ryan laughed off the moment.  
  
"Okay, you know I'm a complete and total dork, right?" Seth watched Ryan shake his head, "Dude, really, I mean, 'cause I know I'm cool, but only one- no one else seems to realize it."  
  
Ryan chose to let that "only one" slide and fell back into childhood by asking the first thing that popped into his mind.  
  
"Wanna know something?"  
  
"What?" Seth looked truly interested in knowing and Ryan had no idea what to tell him.  
  
He thought about Seth seeing him as this robot that was made just for him. Maybe he could tell him something about who he was before Newport, before he got into that damn car. He was somebody, he was an insider there-a whole person who had an entirely different existence before all this.  
  
"I did exist before I came here." Seth seemed ready to take this as an insult so Ryan started into a Seth-like ramble, "I mean, you were somebody before I came along, right? But we only see each other the way we are now. We get jumped by guys who play water-polo. Believe me-that is not the man I once was."  
  
Seth cracked a smile at that.  
  
"So what's the game here? When'd they start in on you? Middle school?"  
  
Seth looked like he was contemplating something and just looked at Ryan. The whole conversation was like some alternate reality with Ryan doing all the talking.  
  
"Sorry, man, I didn't mean anything by it. That stuff-it's not important." Ryan picked up his bowl of mush and began to rise. Seth grabbed his arm to still him.  
  
"No. It is important. It's why I'm me, right? Social misfit wouldn't quite be the same without the universal torment. Mostly verbal-lately, a little bit more physical."  
  
"So..that started when I got here?"  
  
"Before." Seth said a little too quickly making Ryan squint at him suspiciously. Seth averted his eyes. Ryan decided just to ask-or hint, yeah, he'd hint.  
  
"Looks like you have been getting into something physical, " Ryan eyed the scratches crawling out of Seth's collar.  
  
Seth looked choked. There was no blush or even a hint of a smile. In fact, Seth looked seconds from tears and Ryan began to wish he had kept pretending not to notice.  
  
But something was obviously wrong and he just had this urge to protect pushing him on. Too many moments passed before Seth responded.  
  
"I skateboard." And he left the table. Ryan's eyes were focused on the large, but barely visible blue marks shading his wrists.  
  
A/N OMG, did I just write angst? No, really, did I? I can't tell. Oh, and please tell me if you think this was out of character or off in anyway. Seriously, because I'll definitely work on problems for the upcoming chapters. 


	2. TuesdayWednesday

Title: Shift by: calcium_yeah  
  
Part 2: That first part should actually just be called "Tuesday"; this is "Tuesday-Wednesday"  
  
A/N: Okay, I guess the "R" rating is for language now. (one cursy cursy)  
  
kellyerielf-as my one reviewer you have determined the direction of  
this story. Well thought out I shall be!  
  
___________________________________________________________________________  
  
Angry. By Tuesday night, Ryan was nothing but angry. Seth was avoiding him. Yeah, it was  
  
a big house, but come on. You don't just attach yourself to someone and get them used to  
  
having you nearby and then disappear.  
  
Seth had taken off on his skateboard almost immediately after their talk. Ryan tried to play  
  
videogames, but he'd been purposely smashing his car into walls and had to start over about  
  
eight times before giving up.  
  
He felt like an idiot for trying to get Seth to open up. Because that assumed some type of  
  
deep bond between them and how could that exist? They didn't even know each other.  
  
As the hours passed, Ryan stewed in Seth's earlier comments about Ryan being sent to him,  
  
or made for him or whatever. And Seth knew about his mom, and his brother and father and  
  
everybody that he couldn't rely on. And he had to know how hard it was for Ryan just to talk.  
  
But, he couldn't even tall him about some fucking scratches.  
  
He decided he'd wait in Seth's room. Seth may not stop by the pool house, he may avoid the  
  
den, but he'd plan on sleeping in his own bed tonight. So Ryan would wait- he sat on the bed.  
  
After several minutes he realized he must look slightly psychotic perched on Seth's bed,  
  
staring at the door like the boldest of stalkers. He swung his legs up on the bed and laid back  
  
letting his eyes explore Seth's room from a new angle. He forgot his anger for a moment and  
  
imagined himself in Seth's shoes, in his head, in his life.  
  
He realized what he should have said yesterday.  
  
"Wanna know something?" "What?" "I wish we knew more about each other."  
  
Because he did. He wished they had 16 years of life together and he wished he didn't  
  
suddenly feel like a stranger again. Ryan closed his eyes and imagined the different lives they  
  
could have had here-or even in Chino. Then he stopped trying to rewrite the past because  
  
what was the point? He instead tried to picture himself building a life here, who he would be  
  
here. And it wasn't quite starting from scratch, but he had this whole new set of tools to work  
  
with.  
  
How long would it take before Seth could tell him about things he'd probably never told  
  
anybody? Most likely as long as it would take for Ryan to start letting things out himself. But  
  
in Seth's case it was maybe because Seth wasn't used to having someone to tell things to.  
  
Ryan just had no intention of opening up. That didn't stop him from feeling Seth wanted to  
  
tell him something.  
  
*  
  
Ryan had gotten so used to waking in new surroundings that the view of Seth's bedroom  
  
didn't strike him as odd until he found Seth sitting in a chair, watching him with the blankest  
  
of expressions on his face. His mouth was slightly pinched reminding Ryan that he really  
  
wasn't supposed to be where he was.  
  
But, wait, he had been angry-right, angry so he had to get that advantage back. He stated  
  
simply, "If you want to pretend something's not there it helps not to leave it in the open  
  
where everybody can see it."  
  
Seth remained expressionless for a moment before standing up. He continued to look directly  
  
at Ryan as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it in the general direction of the closet.  
  
He sat back down, eyes still on Ryan, face still unreadable.  
  
Seth had exposed the true lengths of his scratches -long and shallow, some dipping below his  
  
waistband. They would probably never scar and as far as Ryan could tell there were fading  
  
bruises all over. In a few days this. . . . evidence would most likely be gone. But, it was here  
  
now-proof of something that he now wasn't sure he cared to know about.  
  
"We can just leave it alone right now." Seth offered. And Ryan accepted. He pushed himself  
  
from the bed and started for the door. Why? Because he was scared, but he didn't tell  
  
himself that. He told himself that he was in no position to make things better for anybody  
  
else. But, he wanted to be close to Seth and didn't want to seem like he didn't care so he  
  
justified it.  
  
"I'd never push you. Friends don't have to know everything about each other."  
  
Seth let out a tiny smile, "Family. You're a Cohen now, remember?"  
  
Ryan forced a slight smile of his own and nodded his way out the door.  
  
*  
  
He'd lied. To himself and Seth because he'd acted like knowing wasn't important. But  
  
knowing was something he ached for. Knowing he'd still have a home in the morning.  
  
Knowing if his friends wondered where he was. Knowing why he felt so protective towards  
  
Seth. And knowing why he couldn't stop picturing those scratches and wondering how far  
  
they went and how exactly they got there.  
  
But it was after just not finding out things like that because the answer always turned out to  
  
be something he didn't want to hear. What if Seth had been the one hurting someone? What  
  
if it had been Anna and things just went wrong and Seth did something. . . . no, that couldn't  
  
be it. What if he'd slept with Marissa? If he went over there to console her? Even if Ryan  
  
didn't know what was going on with him & Marissa, that would still mean that Seth slept with  
  
someone he thought Ryan liked. He would rather think Seth was getting beat up. But it could  
  
be both. . . . what if it was somebody's mother? Or father? What if it was Sandy? Ryan felt  
  
like throwing up. Okay, no more thinking. No more thinking.  
  
So, as much as he wondered, Ryan had no intention of learning more about Seth than what  
  
came naturally through their hopefully-still-growing-friendship.  
  
With all that in mind, Ryan had absolutely not planned on Spying on Seth. Actually, he'd  
  
come across him by accident early that morning.  
  
He'd been enjoying himself, not thinking about anything just feeling the wind as he rode his  
  
bike down the boardwalk, remembering Marissa on the back giggling his ear then Seth  
  
actually squealing from that same position only a short while later. He smiled to himself and  
  
was so absorbed he almost rode on without noticing the two boys. Almost.  
  
A/N Once again, please act like you don't know who's on the beach. 


	3. Wednesday Dawn

Title: SHIFT . Part 3: Wednesday Dawn . by: calcium_yeah  
  
A/N: RiseAgainPhoenix, Luke Rules, kellyerielf thank you for assuring me someone's reading this. And, hey, thank you to the people I hope are reading this and just not reviewing because otherwise I'm taking to nobody right now and that would be kind of crazy. Oh, and, yep, screwy formatting. Still have no idea what the heck I'm doing.  
  
A/N 2: Wow. I really shouldn't just post things without reading them first. This chapter just plain sucked. I leave it up here only to. . . . actually I don't know why I'm leaving it up here, but I am. I'll fix it tonight and repost shortly. Until then. . . . brace yourself and feel free to comment on what I should keep/get rid of for the improved third chapter.  
  
. . . . . . . .  
  
SHIFT PT.3  
  
Luke's arm would seem to be casually resting around Seth except for his subtle vice-grip on the smaller boy's right shoulder.  
  
"I can't do this anymore."  
  
Seth's statement was ignored.  
  
"I'm not doing this anymore."  
  
Luke pushed him face first into the sand. Seth turned around spiting and wiping sand from his mouth. Luke jumped on top of him pressing his pelvic bone into Seth's hip.  
  
"You can lie to yourself," he pushed his body down and applied pressure Seth's lower body, getting the desired result ", but don't lie to me," To this day Seth didn't understand why his body reacted the way Luke wanted it to. Every erection was like a betrayal and he split his time between being almost convinced that this was what he really wanted and hating himself for letting it happen again and again. "Why do you lie to me, Seth? Why do you lie to me?"  
  
Seth was crying, "I'm not letting this happen anymore." Luke was laughing, "But its happening. Right now it's still happening." He leaned down into Seth's neck and nuzzled into it as his laughter subsided.  
  
Luke continued, "I'm not blind. I know. You want me so bad it hurts you. You wish you didn't, don't you. I used to feel the same way. I'd ask myself why I wanted this skinny little qu. . . .but here we are. Together."  
  
Seth was crying harder. Luke pulled up and remained sitting on Seth's waist as he grabbed fistfuls of sand and began throwing them in Seth's face. "Stop. Fucking. Crying." He punctuated each word with another pile of sand.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Seth had stopped crying and this came out as the most solid thing he'd said all day. Luke looked broken. His fist swung in a direct course for Seth's eye knocking the boy deeper into the sand. Luke began to pummel him as he curled up, too destroyed to fight back. Luke was starting to tear up, screaming somewhat hysterically.  
  
"Don't you ever say that! You love me! Don't lie to me! If you don't love me back I'll kill you!" Luke paused with his fists clenched by his sides breathing so heavily his entire body moved. Seth was in too much pain to fully comprehend the whole confession of love/murder threat being screamed at him. Luke decided to make that last part clear.  
  
"I'm serious." Luke rasped out more calmly, "I'll kill you. And I'll kill them." He fell beside Seth on the sand with only the water-trail marks on his face as evidence that anything had been wrong. Mood swings much?  
  
Luke lay on his left side and stared at Seth's face which was turned to the sky determinedly looking ahead. "I just want to make you happy," Luke rubbed Seth's stomach. Seth kept has face ahead, unresponsive. Luke curled up beside him and threw his right arm over his chest, lips pressed into his neck.  
  
Seth tries to close his eyes and enjoy the fingers threading through his hair, but even unseeing it got harder everyday. Anyway, he wasn't allowed to close his eyes anymore. Not since Ryan came. Because then he could pretend it was Ryan's hands caressing him.  
  
"Why are your eyes closed?"  
  
Seth grudgingly lifted his eyelids to reveal a pair of tired brown eyes- they reflected how worn he felt. Icy blue stared back at him and Seth couldn't read the emotion, but was there strongly.  
  
"Who do you think about when you close your eyes?" Ryan. "You." Seth lied blatantly. They both saw how much it pained Seth to say this, but it was just easier that way. "I'm right here. You don't have to close your eyes to think about me. Why don't we just enjoy being with each other while we can?" Luke edged in, nearly laying on top of Seth . He breathed shakily in Seth's ear as he adjusted his arm around Seth's chest.  
  
Neither one of them heard the bike wheels passing by some feet away. 


	4. Wednesday Morning

A/N Okay, I've had such serious writer's block. I said screw it, I'll just leave chapter 3 the way it is and try to move on from there. I'm so happy for my reviews & I don't like to keep you waiting so let's see where this goes.  
  
Title: Shift Chapter: Wednesday Morning  
  
Ryan rode by in time to see Luke and Seth curled up on the beach. Nothing more. He kept reminding himself that it was all he saw, but it was getting hard to ignore the picture being pieced together.  
  
His legs never stopped moving on the pedals. He almost broke his neck and crashed into a telephone pole before he managed to break his eyes away from the scene before him. He made a quick U-Turn and pedaled with fury, racing through the Newport Streets. He told himself that it was the rush of wind in his face causing the tears.  
  
He went faster and faster, crying harder with each push of his leg. After almost choking on the snot running into his mouth, he struggled to brake the bike. Once he was still, it suddenly struck him that he was really, really crying. The more he tried to stop, though, the more his chest heaved.  
  
He tried to push the image of Seth and Luke together out of his mind and it just made it clearer. He fell to the ground, sobbing in the fetal position.  
  
He didn't understand why he was crying, he didn't want to think about it either. He just figured that another person was lying to him. It was nothing new. . . . he just thought it was going to be different here. So as far as he was telling himself, he was crying because he'd let himself get his hopes up and open up. . . .somewhat.  
  
He lay there for about 8 minutes before realizing that somebody (namely Seth or Luke) might come by. He didn't know how he could even look at Seth at that point. He needed time to get himself together. He needed to pretend he didn't care about what he just saw. He obviously had to convince himself about that too.  
  
And he really didn't trust himself right now if Luke walked by and saw him like that. That pompous fuck. He'd joke about him crying. . . . or worse, he'd act all caring. That fucking show he puts on. Ryan really didn't trust himself not to start swinging on sight. And if he saw them together. That would severely hinder him acting like he didn't know what was going on. Because he didn't know how he could ever see them in the same area and not just feel rage at this. . . .betrayal.  
  
He thought about it. Every time they'd seen each other there had been this secret there and Ryan felt like an idiot.  
  
He told himself not to think about the scratches because then he'd have to ask himself whether they'd been forced or if Seth just liked. . . . nope, he wasn't going to think about it. Ryan jumped on the bike and started toward the house. He didn't want to know anymore. It was so much better not knowing. So he rode and he tried to regain his composure. He'd act like he didn't know a thing. I mean, what had he really seen? Nothing. He'd seen nothing.  
  
And what did he care anyway? Seth was a big boy; he didn't need someone his own age trying to watch over him. . . . spoiling his fun.  
  
Even as Ryan told himself this, he knew things were going to boil over. He was keeping so much inside already. . . . this was bound to come out. And what would escape with it, he could not be sure. But until that time he'd try. He'd go on and ignore the cuts and ignore the quietness, and ignore the little beach cuddle he just saw.  
  
How long could he keep a front like that up? Long enough, he had experience with putting on a mask. But, it wouldn't be too hard to provoke him. Actually, he'd be provoked quite easily.  
  
A/N I really just wanted to post something while I write the big, long chunk of the story when stuff starts to happen. I give you my word: before the week is done, we'll make some progress.  
  
(I actually do have an idea for a happy Luke/Seth one-shot & I'll get to that once this one gets somewhere.) 


	5. Wednesday Noon

A/N My friend was playing Tony Hawk 4 on the computer and I, having no idea what I was doing, began randomly mashing keys and repeatedly slaughtering the skater. I was inspired. . . . Also, the time line might be skewed, but that's really not the point - - let's just call it AU.  
  
Title: SHIFT Part 5: WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON by: calcium_yeah  
  
When Seth arrived home he walked in on Ryan playing Pro Skater 4. Well, not so much playing as repeatedly mashing the little skater into the ground. Seth chose not to read into that.  
  
Ryan didn't look up so Seth continued into the kitchen and drank some water directly from the faucet. He then returned and sat next to Ryan with his face dripping. Ryan glanced without cracking a smile; he just had this weird look on his face. Seth thought that maybe some things were just more odd to other people than they were funny. Ryan tilted his hand to the right, offering Seth the controller. Seth shook his head so Ryan shut off the game.  
  
Seth felt something was a little more off than usual, but he couldn't tell because it wasn't so much a verbal thing as the mood of the room & the way Ryan was moving. It all seemed so distant. He didn't think it could it be about that little clash on Tuesday. Then again. . . .  
  
"Dude, is everything. . . . you know. . . . okay?" Seth was slightly wide- eyed because something felt really off. "Of course." Ryan snapped on a smile then immediately dropped it and left the room.  
  
Seth sat for a moment staring at the space previously occupied by Ryan. He then got up and followed the other boy out to the pool house.  
  
*  
  
Ryan was about to flop down on his bed, until he realized Seth had followed him out there. He was about two seconds from a confrontation, but he kept chanting to himself that it wasn't any of his business. He quickly hopped up and headed for the bathroom, shutting the door just as Seth entered the pool house.  
  
"Ryan," Seth called, "You know I'm in here, right?"  
  
"Mfhm. . . I had to take a shower." Ryan was grateful for the door between them because every conflicting emotion, all his doubt, it was written on his face.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I had thought you were up you know."  
  
"Yeah, I've been up." Ryan knew where this was leading. He prayed that Seth would just leave and let him 'take his shower' so he started the water. He could tell that Seth was still standing in the same place wondering what that meant and making no plans to leave. He couldn't stop himself; he barely masked his bitter tone with a hyperbolic amount of joy. "I came looking for you to play some Playstation, but you weren't there."  
  
Ryan yanked off his wifebeater and threw it to the ground deciding he really did need a shower. . . he needed to do something or he was going to go insane.  
  
"Yeah. . . I probably left maybe right before you got up. . ."Seth began his rambling and Ryan removed his pants and nodded as Seth fell deeper & deeper into the lie. "I probably should've checked on you. . .not 'on' you, I should've checked 'with' you."  
  
Ryan stepped into the shower & leaned against the wall, directly under the water listening to Seth bumble through his story and wishing he could laugh about it. He couldn't laugh, but the water did release some of his tension. So he figured the fact that his hand was rubbing lower and lower on his stomach to the nonexistent rhythm of Seth's voice-that was just a relaxation thing.  
  
"I figured it had been a while since I did some nice early morning skateboarding."  
  
"You didn't have your skateboard." Ryan didn't know when he'd started the actual hand-on-crotch stroking action, he just knew that his hand was moving harder with every word-every lie out of Seth's mouth.  
  
"Right, I mean. . . I decided to just not. . .I wasn't in a hurry or anything so I just walked. I kind of roamed around town. I was going to go sailing. . . but, I just went to the park and no one was there so I figured, I don't really have to be wandering around alone anymore so why stay here?" Ryan's skin was on fire for multiple reasons. Seth continued:  
  
"I would have asked you. . . I'm not used to you up so early. Why were you up so early?"  
  
Ryan blacked out, but he was pretty sure he'd stopped himself from making too much noise and he was relieved to be in the shower because he made a little bit of a mess on the tile. "Just. . . no reason, Seth." He returned to his previous position leaning against the wall and was finally able to laugh.  
  
*  
  
Seth could have sworn he heard a scream in there-and what sounded like orgasmic mumbling. He shifted uncomfortably. [i]Weirdest day ever.[/i] "Just. . . no reason, Seth." Ryan sounded let down and Seth was pretty sure that he didn't believe one word of the story he'd just told. The shower kept going for several minutes.  
  
"You know I'm still here, right?" Seth stood with his hands on his hips waiting for Ryan to emerge because this through-the-door thing really wasn't working. Ryan could obviously tell he was lying without seeing him, but Seth couldn't tell if he suspected something specific or if he was just mad at Seth for lying (or both).  
  
Ryan emerged loosely holding a towel around his waist with his right hand. Seth expected to see a distraught face to match the tone he'd heard just a moment ago. But, Ryan's face was extremely calm. "Why do you even bother with it?" Ryan stood in the bathroom door way looking Seth in the eyes.  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Lying." Ryan began walking towards a dresser across the room, turning his back to Seth.  
  
"Lying?"  
  
"You're no good at it. . .actually you are sometimes, but today you're not." Ryan pulled the drawer open.  
  
"What?" Seth's defense started off somewhat lamely, "Dude, I'm so not lying to you. Why would you even think that? Hello, sir-talks-a lot over here. I tell you every bit of minutia from my life." Ryan turned to Seth with a raised eyebrow and grabbed a pair of sweatpants out of the drawer.  
  
"Is this about yesterday?"  
  
"No, it's about today actually." Seth heard the sarcasm, but didn't recognize the truth behind it.  
  
"No, I'm serious, Ryan. Because it's nothing, you're overreacting and if it was something important you know I'd tell you."  
  
"Of course." Ryan whipped off the towel & threw it on the floor. He kept his eyes locked on Seth while he quickly slid into the sweatpants. "I think I'll see how Marissa's doing today."  
  
"Dude, you just totally flashed me."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure I'm not the first guy you've seen naked." Ryan didn't finish dressing; he grabbed a t-shirt and sneakers and exited with them in hand. 


	6. Wednesday Afternoon

A/N Once again I have to fix titling, part 5 is Wednesday Noon.  
  
"The Heights" just confirmed my thoughts about how Ryan would react to lying and that he'll actually talk if he's got a good reason. So yay, he's been in character this whole time.  
  
Title: SHIFT Part 6: WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON  
  
Seth stood stunned for a second until his brain finally kicked in & told him to go get some solid answers out of Ryan before this weirdness went on too long. He rushed through the pool house door almost tripping over Ryan who had sat down to tie his sneakers on.  
  
"Dude, what the hell is going on?" Seth sounded truly confused about the situation.  
  
"You fucking know."  
  
"You're seriously mad at me. What am. . .how am I supposed to do anything about it if I don't know what I did." Ryan wouldn't look at him, he kept messing up his attempts with his laces and he just shook his head angrily. Seth circled around & squatted in front of him swatting at his hands in frustration. "Did I miss something here? Was I supposed to do something or." Ryan stood up and kicked Seth's knee knocking him to the ground and walking away.  
  
"Ryan, what the hell?!" Seth's words made Ryan spin around.  
  
"Did you think I wouldn't find out? Did you think that you could live in the same house with me and somehow hide the fact that you're fucking him?"  
  
"What? What? What are you talking about?"  
  
"And the fact that you could lie to my face even when I tell you I fucking KNOW!"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Seth looked frightened as Ryan closed in on him and hovered above.  
  
"I find. It hard to believe. That you're fucking somebody. And I know it before you." Seth looked up at Ryan silently. Ryan nodded at him. "No fucking response. That's nice. Well, you enjoy your day, I'll be next door 'cause at least she's somewhat honest about being with him."  
  
Ryan snapped up and walked briskly away from Seth ignoring Seth calling after him. Seth ran after him. He tried to speak, but as soon as Ryan's name came out of his mouth he felt an arm shoving him backwards.  
  
"You could at least look at me when you do that." Seth remained where he'd been shoved. Ryan stopped, but still didn't look back.  
  
"Seth, what do you want from me?"  
  
"I just want you to talk to me. . .not get all weird and run off every time I come to you. I want you to not be mad at me."  
  
"That's not gonna happen, Seth."  
  
"Look, it's not what you think. . . whatever it is you think you know it's. . . not."  
  
"I know. that you were laying on the beach with someone who's tried to kill BOTH of us more than once. And I know. that every time I was in a room with the two of you I was standing in the middle of a lie. And I know. that you had something with him that you were hiding from me and every time he looked at me he was smiling on the inside about how fucking stupid I was."  
  
"It was never like that and if I could have stopped the day you moved in here I would have, but I couldn't and I wish I could take back not telling you, but I can't because it's happened and I think that even if I could change things I probably wouldn't because I couldn't stand to have you look at me the way you are now and it's my fault that he's got it in for you because he knows how much I like you and that if I could I'd probably do nothing but hang out with you and maybe tell you everything if I didn't think he'd do something really bad to you if he found out because he's already said he'd do it and I can't let that happen."  
  
One sentence that somehow lasted longer than Ryan's little heartfelt speech. And Ryan didn't know what to say because Seth had just said so much in that one breath. And he partly wanted to say 'if you really wanted to stop you could have', but then he remembered what started all this-those scratches and bruises. So he didn't say anything, he just turned to look at Seth with watery eyes.  
  
"So, can we be cool now, please." Seth watched Ryan shake his head. "Oh, come on now, dude, we've got to get past this. I know I was stupid, but if you think about it, it was because I didn't want to lose the only friend I have over something so. . ."  
  
"Fucked up?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but I was thinking more 'petty' ."  
  
"Are you fucking insane?" Ryan placed his hands on Seth's shoulders and looked him directly in the eyes. "This is not petty and as much as you're still avoiding the actual word-it's pretty obvious that Luke has been raping you."  
  
"What? No." Seth shook his head vehemently.  
  
"Yes. And I'm going to make sure that he knows it's not happening anymore." Ryan let go as if he was about go look for Luke right then.  
  
"No." Seth lurched forward with a little jog step to grab at Ryan's arms. "Ryan. No. It's not like that. Just. . .let me handle it."  
  
"Like you've BEEN handling it? No. I'm going. Now."  
  
"Look, there's more to it than that. And it's not. . .he's not. . .it's not like a rape thing. It's just gotten a little out of hand." Ryan did not seem convinced. "It's kind of been consensual just with you coming he thought I'd tell you or stop or whatever.  
  
"Seth. I want you to tell me-because there's no such thing as "kind of" consensual-and I don't even want to know if you. . .I don't need to know everything just. . . if he's ever forced you into anything."  
  
"It's just that you're the last person that needs to get involved in this. I don't want you to get caught up in it."  
  
"I was obviously caught up in this long before I knew. Tell me." Seth just looked at him.  
  
"Well, it doesn't matter, I'm going either way."  
  
"Please don't do this. I promise you I will take care of it. I will go right now and stop everything. He's been getting really crazy lately," Seth realized he wasn't helping things when Ryan looked even more determined to go, "Not like 'I'm gonna kill you' crazy-which he's like sometimes-but, no, it's kind of 'I'm gonna kill myself' crazy. And I know you don't like him, but I also know that you're to good a person to not do the right thing. And I think the right thing is to let me handle this tactfully." Seth awaited Ryan's answer.  
  
(A/N it would have been really wrong to just stop the chapter here so I won't do that to you)  
  
"I really don't think you should do this." Ryan's voice was calm again, "You do know that's a really fucked up relationship to have, right?"  
  
"Yeah, but it was what I had."  
  
"Just tell him and leave. If I think you're gone to long I'm coming to get you."  
  
"I will." Seth pulled in for a hug oddly similar to their first one. He let go smiling shyly. Ryan did not want to let him go over there, but he stood still as Seth turned and left. Seth stopped and twisted back around.  
  
"Other than Luke, I think you're the first person to actually look at me close enough to notice all this," Seth held up his wrists displaying his scratches then putting them back down, "Guess he always knew you'd find out. And here I was assuming he just thought I'd start sleeping with you." Seth's smile beamed as he trotted off. Ryan thought that maybe Seth had not been so wrong in his assumption. He returned inside and glanced at the clock noticing it was 3:24 pm. He sat restlessly not knowing what to do for the next half hour. . .hour? He didn't know how long something like this was supposed to take and by 3:38 he felt like too much time had passed. He had no idea when it would be rational to go find Seth because he was already scared that something bad was happening. He decided to lay down and take a nap. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep long, but that if Seth wasn't back by the time he got up he'd be going to get him.  
  
(A/N but, I will do that to you.)  
  
Oh, and in case you thought my lack of disclaimer was just bravery, no I simply forgot. But you know what? I'm going to live life on the edge and still not include one. 


	7. Wednesday Evening

A/N: The reviews have guilted me. I'm extremely sorry I left this fic the way I did. The show just changed so much & made the story even more AU. I kept trying to mesh the story with current revelations, but I can't so let's just say screw it & pretend everything's the way it was sometime between "The Debut" and "The Outsider"... *************************************************************************  
  
Title: SHIFT Chapter 7: Wednesday Evening Author: calcium_yeah  
  
"Well, this was highly stupid." Seth spoke to himself as he slowed his pace from brisk to a crawl at the sight of Luke's house. Why would this time be any different from his previous attempts? Because it had to be. He knew that much. Too many things depended on this going right, putting an end to things now. Because if he didn't then Ryan would do something and Luke would do something & his life would be . . . bad.  
  
He was resolved. That's what was different. There was no giving in; it wasn't an option. He would get right to the point, be firm, leave Ryan out of it, and try not to say anything that could be thought of as insulting because he really didn't need the violence right now.  
  
Seth almost tripped when Luke & two teammates emerged from the front door just as Seth was about to knock. Fear flickered over Luke's faced, then confusion, which was quickly masked by angry disdain. Plan B then. Seth spoke before Luke had a chance to.  
  
"Yeah, believe me, if Marissa hadn't sent me I surely wouldn't be here, but she. . ." Seth paused to glance at the two other boys, he recognized one from his chemistry class, the other had extremely familiar looking shoes- - he'd probably seen them up close during some random beating. "She needs to see you. . . and I'm thinking she doesn't want her family or whoever to know because I had to act like Sydney freakin Bristow getting over here."  
  
The buddies obviously didn't get the pop culture reference, and Luke was clearly debating how to react to this information since he was pretty sure Seth was lying.  
  
"So, should I tell her you're coming or- -?" Seth was cut off as Luke addressed Shoey & Chem. Boy.  
  
"100 bucks she thinks the FBI's recording her conversations." He half- heartedly laughed towards them while abruptly heading for his car.  
  
"Or they've got a line of people outside waiting to punch out her father." Shoey's laughter, however, was whole-hearted.  
  
"Yeah, well, manly duties & all that. It's not just chasing away those Chino boys you know," Yeah, Seth thought that was directed towards him. "I'll catch up with you guys later." Luke was already in his car and the other boys waved him off while getting into the fugliest yellow jeep Seth had seen in his life.  
  
After a moment of standing in place, Seth began to realize that he had better start walking back. Not just for appearances, but because Luke was apparently planning on really leaving him there. He began walking towards home as the cars sped off in the same direction. He wondered where the other two were headed until he heard honking as the two cars split up two blocks down the road. He sped up, not knowing if Luke was planning on going to his house or what and, yeah, that could end up pretty nasty. No more thinking. Just walking. Faster. Fast.  
  
Then, about 5 minutes later he decided that maybe he should have been doing some thinking because Luke was parked there. Waiting.  
  
"Of course. Because this is the darkest, least populated street in Newport. Why wouldn't this be where he stopped? Oh, and look, some woods. Yeah, that's nice." Seth felt the need to express his fear sarcastically and out loud because no one kills the jaded guy, right? As he neared the back of the car it became apparent that Luke wasn't going to get out for this conversation. Seth took a deep breath and quickly grabbed the door handle for the passenger side. Okay, he didn't expect it to be locked; that provided a lovely arm injury that he'd probably regret having in a few minutes.  
  
He heard the click as Luke unlocked the door for him. Seems Luke hadn't even been watching for him and was instead shuffling through a brown paper bag on his lap. Seth stopped himself before he started to speculate on the contents of the bag and why Luke was searching through it so fervently. He broke into a smile and turned to face Seth, but didn't remove anything from the bag.  
  
"You want me to be mad at you, I get that."  
  
"Believe me, that's the last thing I want. I didn't know they'd be there. I just had to- -."  
  
"I know." And apparently Luke's tongue apparently didn't want to let him finish. Seth felt a hand palming the back of his head, fingers swirling in curls. . .tenderly. Seth panicked and ignored the pain in his arm as he lifted his right hand to push Luke's head away.  
  
"What?" Too sweet. Luke was being too sweet. Trying to be sweet enough to keep Seth's mind off the bruises still resting just out of sight. Trying to not be the same guy who was throwing sand down his throat this morning.  
  
"Don't. Don't try to make this hard for me. Don't try to be someone you're not. Don't try to be caring. . .you don't care about me."  
  
"We've had this conversation."  
  
"Actually, we haven't," Seth had his strategy down. "Because we're not talking about me this time. I'm saying YOU don't want to be here."  
  
"You don't know what I want."  
  
"I think you want to be Luke Ward. You want to be Marissa's boyfriend. And laugh at her behind her back. And cheat on her with other GIRLS. And do everything that you can do with money and popularity. And. . . guys like me aren't supposed to be part of your life like this. I don't know why you do this to yourself. You're only making your life harder."  
  
"Actually, my life is pretty great." Luke's index finger began to twirl along Seth's collar. "But, something tells me that this isn't really about my life or what I choose to do with it. Are you making a choice here? Is that what this is about?"  
  
The softness of Luke's voice and touch was subtly intimidating and Seth was shaken. Seth had changed his strategy, deciding not to submit to brute force anymore and Luke had sensed the change gone right along with it. Seth remained silent, staring at the unreadable expression on Luke's face. . .kindness was on the surface, but there was something unsettling just beneath.  
  
"Tell me. Tell me why you just had to see me." Luke's left hand slid from Seth's collar and began lightly squeezing his neck. It would have been in time with his pulse, but his pulse had chosen to speed up a bit.  
  
"Because I'm having the decency to not just start avoiding you. I'm asking you to understand and let me go so that we can both just move on before someone finds out," Seth lowered his eyes, "And I'm hoping you realize that you have a lot more to lose than I do. Because maybe then I won't have to run and hide to make this stop."  
  
Luke's hand whipped from behind Seth's head and Seth closed his eyes, bracing himself for something that never came. He opened his eyes to see Luke clutching the paper bag with both hands and staring through the windshield; his jaw clenched with thought. Seth's body was leant towards the door awkwardly, but he made no move to rearrange himself during the seemingly endless pause that probably lasted all of 2 minutes.  
  
"You trust me." Luke didn't turn his head or change his expression and Seth wasn't sure if this was a question so he didn't respond. Luke twisted to toss the crumpled paper bag in the back then turned his head to the passenger side making Seth realize that he did indeed want an answer. Seth didn't have one. "You'll take my word for it if I tell you it's over?"  
  
There was a catch. There had to be a catch. Seth just sat up straight and nodded, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
  
"So, if we're together and then from now on we're never going to be together. Would you let me say goodbye?"  
  
"What's 'goodbye'?" Seth had an idea what 'goodbye' was.  
  
"You know what it is," Luke spoke softly and turned to face ahead again, "It's our last goodbye. It's putting an end to this quietly. The way you want to."  
  
Seth thought about Ryan waiting back at the house. Ryan who would be heading this way if Seth took too long. Ryan who would never accept "one last time" as an explanation if he found out something happened.  
  
"That just ruins the whole point of stopping this. We're NOT together. This isn't even a relationship. There can't be a 'last goodbye'." Seth was straining to make Luke understand because he couldn't afford to let things go on long enough that Ryan got involved (again).  
  
"Well, the way I see it is you gave me an ultimatum. I 'let you go' and you won't go public about this little situation."  
  
"I never said that. I wasn't even- -."  
  
"No, you just let me know you had no problems showing up at my house. That you wanted to end things before people 'found out'. Well, you know what? I don't think I want to be with someone who can't even admit their feelings for me. And I'm a nice guy, so, you want to end this then we'll end it. But let's keep this little theme of ultimatums going. " Luke leaned in until he was about five inches away from Seth's face. "We can end this nicely with one. last. goodbye. Orrr we can drag it on and have it end in a very unpleasant way." Luke popped back into his seat, adopting a much more casual tone and posture, "Your choice of course."  
  
Seth leaned forward, clutching his head in his hands, cursing to himself because he already knew what his choice was. They both did.  
  
"Can we just get this over with?" Seth spoke to his sneakers. He'd had those sneakers longer than he'd known Ryan. He'd probably have them long after Ryan came to his senses and disassociated himself from Mr. Town- Pariah. He wondered briefly if sleeping with Luke might actually bump him up on the social ladder from accused gay pariah to known gay slut.  
  
Seth was jerked back into reality by the car suddenly peeling off at top speed. Of course he bumped his right arm. That arm was going to hate him in the morning.  
  
"You might want to buckle up. We wouldn't want you getting hurt unnecessarily." Luke was back into false-charm mode. He was no longer headed towards Seth's house and he didn't seem to be going back where they came from. Seth began to look around as he snapped the seatbelt into place, trying to figure out where they were headed. "I think we should go someplace special, don't you?"  
  
Seth whipped his head around to see if Luke had some type of sinister look on his face, but he just maintained a calm smile and drove rapidly towards some destination that was obviously clear in his mind while it remained a mystery to Seth. As expensive as the car probably was there was no indication of the time anywhere, but Seth didn't need a watch to know that he wouldn't be getting back at any decent time. This was going to be bad. Because Ryan would be worried and Seth would have to tell him the truth to keep him from going after Luke. And the truth would make him extremely pissed. Seth prayed that he'd at least be back before Ryan got worried enough to say anything to his parents. As the car traveled into unfamiliar territory, Seth began to think that maybe having people worrying about him wasn't such a bad thing because suddenly he wasn't too sure about the validity of their agreement. Where the hell was Luke taking him?  
  
"I think I'll miss you." Luke's word broke into Seth's mind unexpectedly and it took him a moment to shift those words from the context of where his thoughts were heading (your body will be rotting in a factory somewhere) to the context of the earlier conversation. "I'll miss this, just us together. I think I'd rather lose this though than have you avoiding me. I couldn't stand to have you avoiding me. You won't do that will you?"  
  
"No." Seth shook his head. It was akin to answering somebody at gunpoint. What the hell else was he going to say?  
  
"Good. So, can you just stop looking like I'm going to dump your body somewhere because as much as I've hinted at it in the past, I'm not going to hurt myself by losing you."  
  
Hinted? Was saying 'I'll kill you' a hint? Regardless, Seth felt himself relax and thought for a moment that Luke's obsessiveness towards him might actually be a good thing in this situation. Until Luke kept talking.  
  
"I'd kidnap you sooner than kill you. If I don't want anybody else to have you I'm not going to punish myself too when I could just get you away from them. Like, if I thought this whole thing was because you'd started sleeping with Ryan- -."  
  
"I am NOT sleeping with Ryan."  
  
"Oh, I know that. I think I'd know if you were and believe me, we wouldn't be having such a good time if that were the case. But, hypothetically, if you were leaving me for Ryan I'd threaten you like I've always threatened you, but I'd never really hurt you to the point of dying."  
  
"That really doesn't make me feel better."  
  
"It's not supposed to. It's supposed to be incentive for you to tell me the truth because. . . well, I obviously haven't been able to show you the right way, but. . ." hundreds of emotions started seeping into Luke's previously steady voice, "I feel so much for you. And I'm telling you these things and I'm admitting that I get so jealous just knowing he's there with you everyday. And I know that it's been bad, I've been bad at proving myself, and all I have to show are these uncontrollable feelings for you." Luke took a breath, "I know I've handled things badly, I'm telling you the truth about everything, just asking that you be honest with me."  
  
"You've told me you don't plan on killing me. I don't get what type of honesty you expect out of me for that." Seth tried not to let his frustration show, but the Luke was ranting and Seth was not appreciating the content of his speech as much as Luke apparently thought he should.  
  
"I just want to know if you've honestly never felt anything for me."  
  
"That doesn't matter." Seth's body tensed and he shifted his gaze out the passenger side window. He became aware of the car's decreasing speed and prepared himself for their arrival, resolving not to get pulled into a conversation that would drag this on any longer than it had to go. He was ready to put this all behind him.  
  
"You have no idea how much it matters to me. Whatever the answer is, it matters. It's not going to change what happens here or the fact that this is the last time. It's just something I need to know."  
  
Seth subconsciously rubbed his sore arm while debating how to answer. He started to ramble, "I thought being ignored most of my life was just part of going against that Newport grain. Lonely sometimes, yeah, but it wasn't too bad. You read enough comic books, you start comparing yourself to every lone hero- - a few lone villains." Seth didn't check to see if he was getting a reaction, he held his eyes on his own reflection in the glass urging the truth out of himself. "Then I spent the last three months getting abused in public by the same person who rapes me in private. And I thought the attention was amazing. I had something. Someone had seen me and thought I was worth all that effort. All that fighting; all that lying. And then I made a friend. By sheer proximity, he'd been associated with me and he didn't mind. He was just. . .being a friend. And I'm here because I know you get jealous. That's no big revelation. Summer's probably gotten closer to Marissa than Ryan ever has and you never cared. And you know what? Last I checked you had some family in Chino, never minded the place at all. I don't want my friend hurt because you can't control your emotions. I control mine just fine and I know better than to let anything I felt for you out of loneliness to affect my actions now."  
  
Seth readjusted his stare and realized they were pulling into a motel parking lot. Not a seedy motel, but a two-story inn that seemed to service more vacationing families than bill-by-the-hour clients. Luke parked the car before speaking. He focused on putting his keys in the pocket of his jogging pants while he spoke. "You felt something for me."  
  
"I was stupid. I was being very stupid" [I]I do stupid things sometimes[/I] Seth thought. [I]Things like going on mini-road-trips with violent types.[/I]  
  
"It wasn't stupid. Maybe it's stupid when someone's not interested or they're using you." Luke looked up in time to see the effect of his words as Seth thought of Summer, as he thought of Kal- -the only person he'd slept with before Luke. Kal had been pretty straightforward about the nature of the situation. One night, no last names, have a nice life. Classy guy. "But when someone loves you, it's not stupid to have feelings for them."  
  
Seth looked at the belt buckle, pushing five times before it finally opened.  
  
"Does that make you uncomfortable? I can act like you're nothing to me if you like. You seem to like that." Luke removed his seat belt and opened his door.  
  
"You know what? I do think that might be a little better. It meshes kind of nicely with the bruises I've been trying to hide from my parents and the whole forced nature of that sex we've been having."  
  
"Okay." Luke nodded. "Okay." Another nod. The nodding was getting a bit excessive. He stepped out of the car and stood beside it until Seth got the hint and exited as well, closing the door behind him.  
  
Seth felt in the back pocket of his jeans and was relieved to find his wallet just in case his ride home didn't pan out. Meanwhile, Luke opened the back door and stuffed that paper bag into an open backpack, zipping it up before he closed the door and set the car's alarm.  
  
Seth stood outside while Luke got a room. He felt this made him more like a hooker than like someone having an affair. There was an odd comfort in that. Luke emerged with the keycard and Seth followed in silence as they passed several small families enjoying the sun. Seth estimated it had to be at least five by now and tried to remember when the sun normally set. He figured he was only fooling himself by pretending he'd be back before sunset.  
  
Luke led them up the stairs, took a right, a left, and slid the keycard into the door to room 207. He stepped inside and abruptly paused causing Seth to stop himself before there was a collision. Of course that led to another bit of pain for that right arm of his and he was too busy wondering what the f@$# was going on with that arm to pay much attention when Luke asked him to wait outside for a minute and closed the door.  
  
Just as he began to comprehend what just happened, Luke reappeared with an unplugged clock in hand. A middle aged housekeeper passed by and raised an eyebrow at the clock. Luke eyed the woman's retreating form and whispered, "I don't want you to spend tonight staring at the clock. Not tonight. I'll have you back early enough. You won't get in trouble." He held the door open and waved Seth in, tossing the clock into the plush green armchair in the corner of the room. It didn't make a sound. He grabbed Seth by the hips, pulling him close, just short of full-body touching. But, if Seth hadn't been that close he couldn't have heard Luke's whispering tone. Why was everything so quiet today? So soft. "This is going to be special. The way it always should have been. You and me. Two consenting young adults." His left hand rose to grasp Seth's t- shirt, his right moved to twist in Seth's hair. Who knew Luke had such a thing for curly black hair. "No pain, no fighting, just a nice. . . goodbye."  
  
In one smooth motion, Luke twirled Seth onto the bed without ever losing contact. He ran his lips along Seth's neck, ran his hands along Seth's sides. Seth felt like his entire body was being touched. But, no, that wasn't true. His neck was being touched, his shoulders, arms, sides, back, hips, thighs. This was deliberate avoidance of the major erogenous zones. And Seth wasn't liking that this particular molestation felt so good. He kept reminding himself that it was only nice by comparison because he was so used to pain. However, with Luke straddled atop Seth's left thigh it became apparent that Luke was half hard and Seth was already all the way there. [I] I'm season six Buffy [/I] Seth thought. [I]Why do I let him do these things to me?[/I] He couldn't get that damn line out of his head.  
  
Luke licked along Seth's jaw line, eliciting a shiver. In reaction to this moment of pleasure Seth's hands automatically shot up to clutch the back of Luke's head. "Fuck." Seth dropped his right arm, having been reminded that it wasn't doing too well. Luke looked at Seth's face, then at the arm and moved, rolling Seth on top of him. Luke's left hand lightly massaged the offending arm as his right hand turned Seth's head so they were looking each other in the eyes. Seth hated this, the niceness of it, the underlying romance from someone whose fists he'd been cowering from this very morning.  
  
And yet, Seth was the one who leaned in for the kiss, sliding his arm from Luke's massaging fingers and returning his hands to Luke's head. He clutched the sides of Luke's face and felt tears, only half comprehending that they were his own.  
  
************************************************************************* A/N Don't worry, I have the next chapter half done already, but I need to go to sleep & I just thought this was a better ending point then the random place I'd written to.  
  
A/N You may notice that I threw in Red!Clark as Seth's deflowerer to make this a technical crossover since I have a new affinity for crossovers. This is in late August so Clark took a detour and stopped off in the O.C. back in May before heading back to Metropolis. 


	8. Wednesday Night

A/N I can't write smut so you get no smut. Feel free to fill in the missing scene as you wish. *************************************************************************  
  
Title: SHIFT Chapter 8: Wednesday Night Author: calcium_yeah  
  
After all was said and done, Seth was still crying into the kiss. They kept their mouths together the whole time and it felt like desperation. Seth could picture himself, looking like some love-starved wife on a conjugal visit. And finally, they separated and his tears dried.  
  
Why had it been so good?  
  
Why the hell did it have to be so good? Was this some kind of sick game? Even Seth had to laugh at himself then; of course it was a sick game. And he'd been on the losing end of it for a while now. His eyes glided over to gaze at Mr. Victorious who was already staring right back. Well, that was creepy. In a flash, Seth saw the distance between them closed and felt feathery kisses along his neck.  
  
"Youwereso good...Ion' unerstand why...how you can beso good." Luke's words were being obscured by flesh and really didn't even make much sense without the obstruction.  
  
"Umm...Whuh tie'sit? I had geback." Seth's breathing was ragged; he was obviously struggling to formulate a coherent sentence.  
  
"It doesn't matter what time it is." Luke's tongue swirled around Seth's ear for a moment before he continued breathily. "What's today?"  
  
"Today? The 27th," Seth's answer was interrupted by Luke's right hand attempting to reanimate him. "August. Twenty. Seventh."  
  
"So. It's still the 27th. It's still August." He gave a firm tug on 'seventh' and 'August'. "It's still today. You'll get home today."  
  
Luke's left hand was creeping along his side and, well, it was the last time. It was going to have to be the last time. And they had not just finished having last time sex. That had been wish-it-could-last-forever sex. So one more time, just to make it final. Okay, no, because those would be the actions of Bizarro!Seth who was an even bigger idiot than the current incarnation. Seth had to go, he had to get back home and establish some type of normality in his life.  
  
"My parents are probably--." Seth started to stutter out.  
  
"Yeah, I got it. We're done. No worries." Luke removed his hands and pulled back in an overtly agreeable manner. Seth decided to stare directly away from the gift horse's mouth. Everything was going smoothly and he wasn't going to push things. "So, you go clean up or whatever. And I'll just get dressed in here."  
  
At the 'clean up' remark, Seth looked down at himself and saw he was definitely in no condition for an encounter with Ryan or his parents. Assuming he was hesitating out of suspicion, Luke offered up a bargaining chip as incentive. He leaned over the side of the bed and dug his keys out of his pocket, tossing them to land with the smallest key in Seth's belly button. Seth wondered if that had been on purpose—that would be extremely some good aim. Great. he would have good aim. But, anyway, Luke was speaking.  
  
"Here. You can hold my keys if you think I'm planning to run off or something."  
  
"Okay, see, I wasn't thinking that..." Luke lowered his left eyebrow disbelievingly, "...anymore. But, yeah, now I think I'm gonna just take these with me." Seth slipped the key ring onto his pinky finger and grabbed his clothes, which were already in a convenient pile beside the bed. See, there were benefits in slowly, calmly undressing someone. Although he wasn't sure anyone had actually ever given him an argument on that topic.  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
The bathroom door closed and Luke fished under the covers for his boxers, pulling them on without removing the condom. He then swung the covers off and propelled himself from the bed toward the window. He pulled back the ever-so-slightly bent curtain to remove the interfering object.  
  
And it was miniscule—a camcorder, digital and all.  
  
He pressed stop, then rewind, then play and was rewarded with an extremely accurate depiction of a portion of the night's events.  
  
He pressed stop, shut the camera off and returned it to the paper bag from whence it came. The bag, he placed in his backpack underneath a pair of swim trunks.  
  
It was time to get dressed and drive Seth home.  
  
************************************************************************* A/N I haven't actually edited this because I just wanted to put it up. If there are any glaring errors, believe me, I'll soon fix them.  
  
As always, much thanks to all reviewers. I shall now breathe you. (I'm taking you in now.)  
  
Wow. Don't ever post in the middle of the night. 


	9. Thursday Morning

So, sorry about the long wait, but I just started school again & had to be all responsible. But, I just saw all these reviews & realized I just had to overcome writer's block & continue. Well, here I go, enjoy the presence of Luke (even if he is a bit psychotic in my version of things).   
  
Title: SHIFT Chapter 9: THURSDAY MORNING Author: calciumyeah  
  
It was still August. But, it technically wasn't the 27th anymore. Of course, there were no visible devices to show them what time it was, but the lack of cars on the road told Seth that it hadn't simply gotten dark a little early. He was so dead.  
  
Luke seemed particularly sated. He leant back into the driver's seat and guided the wheel softly with his left hand while the right one tapped randomly on the dashboard.  
  
Neither of them spoke.  
  
It seemed so final, so over that Seth wasn't even thinking of Luke as a factor anymore. The only things on his mind were his parents and Ryan. Mostly Ryan.  
  
"If we don't see each other after tonight, I want you to know I'm sorry." Luke still appeared relaxed and his words sounded very casual, but Seth didn't like them. Things were already done, why was Luke ending them _again_?  
  
When Seth didn't respond, Luke continued.  
  
"I won't be seeing you Seth. So, I'm just trying to say goodbye."  
  
Seth was quiet. He had a bad feeling about what Luke was attempting to tell him, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything because then it wouldn't be over. He saw Marissa's house come into view and almost thought he heard Luke sigh heavily. The car stopped just short of the Cooper residence.  
  
Seth removed himself from the car, his eyes avoiding both Luke and the direction of the pool house. Whatever else Luke wanted to say, he kept it inside and sped off rather loudly as soon as Seth was out of the car. Seth pushed down the guilt rising up inside him, but another wave of guilt was right behind it- -this one pertaining to his promise to Ryan.  
  
He realized that if he was going to get through a conversation with Ryan he'd probably need to focus on the Luke-guilt or else even he wouldn't believe himself.  
  
Destination: pool house.  
  
Ryan was lying on his side, eyes open and staring at the plain white pillow jutting out from beneath his head.  
  
Seth stepped slowly across the room. It felt like ages since he'd heard another human voice. Forever since he'd heard Ryan who looked as if he were fighting against curling into the fetal position. And just then, Seth knew it would be all right. No explanations meant no arguments. He placed a knee on the bed as softly as possible and slid himself down next to Ryan.  
  
Silence.  
  
And it could be seen as bad, but it could also be reassuring. If Ryan was angry, if he was keeping it inside then Seth wouldn't have to explain. Then they could get past this; pretend it never happened.  
  
And yet, Ryan seemed so far. Seth got the uncomfortable feeling that if he closed his eyes for a second that he'd open them and Ryan would be gone. So he held him. Not smoothly, not casually. He kind of threw himself across the bed and jerkily placed his arm around Ryan's, clutching to the other boy's back like a frightened baby.  
  
The morning would be different. Curled together; shining sun. The morning would be different.  
  
Ryan thought about waving his mother goodbye. It was the oddest feeling. It wasn't like the initial abandonment. It was just this knowledge that resistance would just make things harder.  
  
For those first few hours, he had been worried. He'd started doubting himself, wondering if Luke really was more than some rich kid bully. Wondering if Seth would be all right.  
  
Once Sandy and Kirsten had gotten in and inquired about their son's whereabouts- -guess who had to give a make-up sailing lesson at the last minute? - - he'd had a sneaking suspicion that Seth wasn't about to drag himself bloody and beaten.  
  
A few minutes after dark he'd seen Marissa, stepped outside for a minute and left her waver between seeking comfort and pretending everything was okay. And hours later when Seth had finally crept in, he felt a shadow of the emotion he'd felt during the conversation with Marissa. And of course, an overwhelming similarity to saving goodbye to his mother.  
  
And he had no words for it. Just knowing that things would never be the same, and yet feeling the need to pretend, to grasp at something . . . but, then again this was different. This wasn't goodbye. The body curved around his right now was asking him to forget, to pretend nothing had gone wrong.  
  
And he would.  
  
Seth was glad to see he hadn't woken up first—well, he had mainly not wanted to have to lay there waiting to see for himself Ryan's reactions in the morning. Plus, he'd always though it would be romantic to wake up and find someone there beside you whether they came to you in your sleep, or you just didn't expect them to be there in the morning, or...well, you get the point. Anyway, the sun eliminated the problem of waking up first, but it introduced the awkwardness of mutual realization as both of the boys' memories flooded back to them. Seth had hoped Ryan would have some time to watch him sleep and get into a nice caring mood. When he'd sat in his room, waiting for Ryan to wake up the yesterday he'd watched and he'd almost gotten hypnotized in the breathing and the vulnerability. But, what the hell, Seth didn't need sleep to exude vulnerability. It was wafting off him in waves right now.  
  
They both blinked into the sun for a few minutes. Ryan looked over his shoulder at Seth's tired, squinting eyes looking regretful, sorry.  
  
Too important.  
  
Life was just too important. This was just too important. And so he just let it go. Pretending that Seth was an innocent kid who liked video games and comics and didn't know anything about guy on guy action and abusive sexual relationships. Let it all go and turned back to his previous position, backing up to Seth and letting himself relax. He felt Seth's relief physically in the form of a long-held breath being released.  
  
They lie there for a few seconds until Seth was forced to open his brain to logic.  
  
"My parents haven't seen me for a long time."  
  
"Last minute sailing lesson. Make up." Ryan fiddled with the sheet as he spoke. He felt Seth's smile and realized vaguely that Seth's mouth was on the back of his neck. Seth's hand rubbing his stomach, half on his wife beater, half slipping in and out of his belly button. And Ryan hadn't felt wanted in so long. He was so absorbed by Seth needing his approval, his affection. It was nice. It was also making him somewhat uncomfortable because he knew what he had to do to make this work. And falling into a peaceful little Seth-haze would probably prevent him from doing this convincingly.  
  
"Seth," Ryan attempted to slide from under Seth's hand as nicely as possible.  
  
"Hmm?" Seth seemed to be attempting to shake away the sleep clouding his mind.  
  
"You do know I'm straight, right?" 


	10. Thursday Morning 2

Title: SHIFT Chapter 10: THURSDAY MORNING 2 Author: calciumyeah  
  
Summary: Slash. LukeSeth, RyanSeth. Ch 10 picks up where we left off, but it's largely a flashback...a long one.   
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - -- -- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - -- - - -- -   
Seth's hand stopped moving immediately, but it took his brain a moment to catch up. Something was completely wrong with that last sentence; now what the hell was it?  
  
Oh yeah. Ryan. Straight.  
  
"Well, then this must be very awkward for you," Seth intended to sound witty— flippant even. But it just came out all kinds of dry. He lifted himself into a sitting position and swung his legs off of the bed. Ryan lifted an eyebrow as Seth propelled himself across the room and stood, leaning against a wall as far away from Ryan as possible. Ryan giggled.  
  
"I'm sorry. Did you just _giggle_?" Seth's indignation was partially genuine. Ryan sat up as he shook his head, eyes downcast. "Yes. Yes. Well, I'm glad to see the comic relief we know and love is still working nicely for you, Ryan. You just—."  
  
"You didn't have to _fling_ yourself across the room."  
  
"Yeah, well, I just wanted to take things to the most extreme level of awkwardness that I could possibly make happen short of having my parents come in here..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah. I might be wanting to go upstairs right now and actually attempt to _not_ look like I slept down here last night," Seth headed for the door.  
  
"Be interesting to hear the excuse you come up with for that."  
  
Seth mumbled to himself as he opened the pool house door, "Not as interesting as I wish." He thought he could faintly hear Ryan saying something like "Probably more interesting than the truth", but put it out of his mind.  
  
Realizing he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, Seth grabbed a jar of applesauce from the kitchen before going upstairs. Funny. This all started with applesauce, if he remembered correctly.

**FLASHBACK**  
He'd had a portable cup of Mott's applesauce. And maybe they had just started some new flavors or promotions like Peach-Apple or throwing the Simpsons on the package, but he remembered seeing the commercial and really wanting it for some reason.  
  
It was April, one month before Kal, four months before Ryan, and the school was in the midst of Spring Fashion Week. Seth was unsure how exactly the week was different from any others, and he had no idea what supposed purpose was being served, but he had the privilege of living next door to Social Chair. That position apparently involved using your house as a BMW parking lot and receiving eight fashion magazines a month. Yes, he'd counted. He was extremely bored. Summer was over, and she didn't go over there as much as you'd think a best friend would. Then again, Julie Cooper... So, the real reason he'd gone outside was to casually wave 'hi' to Summer when she arrived, but that went embarrassingly awful and he'd chosen to remove his face from the bush and keep walking before she actually noticed him.  
  
Newport wasn't exactly a just-'round-the-corner kind of city. After at least 20 minutes of walking, Seth realized that he was expending a lot of energy for nothing and should probably pick a destination. It just so happened that the first place he came to was a small market specializing in the illusion of healthy eating. Anything that even remotely appeared to be fruit based was in there. And thus, he came upon a case of portable Motts applesauce.

(scene)

He hadn't even thought about eating any until he passed his old middle school on the aimless walk back. They'd served applesauce there too. He'd gotten some poured down his shirt the first day of sixth grade. Bad way to make a good first impression. He paused in front of the building and edged closer to it realizing that this was were he'd truly learned he didn't want to belong here. He'd known he was a bit of an outcast before that, but that school just showed him that he really disliked everything Newport stood for. Maybe he liked the school after all; it had been where he'd found his identity after all.  
  
He wriggled a cup loose from the plastic bag, tore the aluminum top off, and began drinking from the plastic cup.  
  
Applesauce was all over his mouth. Like a baby or something. It would always stand out to him, all that applesauce on his face, because it must have been a lot. It had to have been a lot to inspire somebody to just come over and lick it.  
  
Because that's what he did. Luke. Out of nowhere. Seth never found out why he was there. And it's funny because until then, Luke wasn't exceptionally different from any other bully, from any other jock, any other student or resident. Until then.  
  
He'd cupped Seth's head first, with his left hand and just ran his tongue along Seth's lips, back and forth until the applesauce was gone. Then he left.  
  
What are you supposed to take from that? I mean, what the hell are you supposed to take from that? Except that now, Luke's an exception. He's a little bit meaner, a little bit louder, hits just a little bit harder than everybody else. Visits his girlfriend. Seth goes outside to watch him leave his girlfriend. And he waves to Luke as if he's Summer. The difference being that while Summer just overlooks him, it's not malicious—she just doesn't see him. Luke always sees him, and he insults him and sneers at him and Seth wonders what the hell that one day was about.

(scene)

Waiting by the bushes one day, Seth abruptly wonders why the hell he's out there.  
  
_Seth_, his brain says, _why are you standing in the rain waiting to be insulted_?  
  
_Brain_, is what Seth says, _I think I might be just a little bit masochistic_.  
  
_I think you have a crush_.  
  
Seth did not answer his brain. Luke seemed to materialize out of nowhere. Seth didn't attempt a 'hi'. They shared a really weird stare as Luke headed to his car...that was always parked down here, never up the drive. Seth started following Luke towards the car. He felt like a puppy. Luke never looked back, but Seth could see he was grinning sadistically as he opened the car door. _What do you know— S&M together again_. Luke sat in the car and looked at him standing in the rain then laughed in his face. He apparently couldn't stop laughing.  
  
"Oh, you fucking wish." Luke reminded Seth of a big toothy hyena as he sped off on the soaking wet pavement. Seth figured it was probably bad to try mentally willing someone over a cliff. He also figured that Luke was a little insane.

(scene)

A few days later, Seth's gym class was engaged in some sort of a torturous mixture of dodge ball, sprinting, and Red Light Green Light. It went by in a blur of legs and plastic whizzing by his head. He didn't want to be there.  
  
He made his way along the wall, heading for the "bathroom" and having no intention of returning. Luke was blocking the door. Luke. Who wasn't in his gym class. Okaaay.  
  
There was no eye contact, but Seth knew Luke would follow him out. Luke's reason for following him out...that was something he was pretty sure even Luke didn't know at that point. Seth never turned around as he heard the sequence of doors opening and closing behind him. He walked through the locker-room, bypassing his locker and heading for the exit on the opposite side, not wanting to be trapped in the middle of a maze of lockers when he started antagonizing the un-stealth stalker.  
  
"You know when you're trailing people, you're supposed to not be completely obvious, right?" Seth spoke low, but his voice still echoed throughout the room. He briefly wondered if any stragglers were listening unseen.  
  
Luke laughed, "You only know because I finally let you see me."  
  
Luke's words made Seth uneasy and turned around to see Luke grinning, a lot closer than Seth had thought he was.  
  
"Have you been _following_ me?" Seth squinted in disbelief and confusion as Luke slid towards him, leaning along a row of lockers.  
  
"Why would I do that?" Luke continued to smile gleefully, running his left hand across the lockers as he walked. Seth started backing up, realizing he hadn't gotten as close to the door as he would have liked. He started to wonder if he'd gotten himself into this situation on purpose.  
  
"You looked so sexy out there fighting for your life," Luke whispered, but Seth heard clearly and something felt very wrong. Before he could fully process that thought, Luke lunged across the space separating them and slammed Seth against a locker.  
  
_Okay, okay. That could have been a wall. It could be worse. He's not going to kill you. He's not going to kill you.  
_  
Luke grabbed a handful of Seth's hair with his left hand and pulled back his right in a fist, eliciting an unattractive scream from the smaller boy who closed his eyes in anticipation. Luke jumped slightly at the unexpected noise and lowered his fist. He released Seth's hair, but also shoved his forehead with the palm of his hand, causing another impact with the amazingly undented locker.  
  
Seth opened his eyes and Luke's own were straight ahead. In his peripheral vision, Seth could see an arm on either side; he could feel Luke's hands resting inches away from his head. Luke stared intently while Seth's eyes flitted about searching for an out.  
  
Seth felt a hand flipping through the curls at his neck, he heard Luke's raspy breathing, he was pretty sure that his heartbeat resembled that of a frightened rabbit. He saw Luke's right arm disappear and became aware of a downward tugging on the waistband of his shorts.  
  
Seth's ability to combine all his senses kicked back in and he shifted to the right while attempting to push Luke's hand away. Luke seemed to disregard this action, not even deeming it an inconvenience as he succeeded in dipping one hand into the other boy's shorts. His thumb curved into the final layer of clothing acting as a barrier as his fingers slid down into a soft grip that caused Seth to panic.  
  
Seth snapped his arms up and shoved at Luke's chest, causing him to lose his balance and stumble backwards for a moment, but not long enough or far enough for Seth to even take a step.  
  
"You are such a fucking tease!" Luke lifted his arm and this time the fist was put to use.  
  
Neither one of them expected to see the blood fly.  
  
It was his lip. The blood was streaming out from his lip. And it had sprayed a bit, dotting Luke's hand and shirt.  
  
"Shit." Luke stepped forward to Seth who was crouched on the ground with a hand cupping the blood dripping from his bottom lip. "Shit. I didn't mean to do that." Luke reached a hand out.  
  
"on' uch e" Seth breathed through his hand before lowering it and looking down at the red streams falling into his palm then back up at Luke. "You fucking psycho."  
  
"Now that's just unfair," Seth didn't respond, he just wiped the base of his hand across his bloody mouth and stared in disbelief, "I'm fucking serious, Cohen! You stand there, you come to me, you stare like you fucking want me then you get _mad_ when I do what you wanted."  
  
Seth stood, his worried eyes trained on Luke, "I _want_ you to find some other loner to toy around with."  
  
"I'm not toying. You know I didn't mean to do that. Not your mouth." Luke grabbed Seth's head with on hand and pulled him into a kiss. Luke licked up the blood resting on Seth's lips and spoke into his mouth even as the other boy attempted to pull away. "Pretty, pretty mouth. You are the prettiest boy I've ever seen." Luke's tongue slipped between Seth's lips and surfed through the blood pooling inside. Outside, blood and tears mingled as Seth cried softly and continued his futile efforts to push away.  
  
Luke pulled back to get a better view as he returned to his earlier task of removing Seth's shorts. Seth leaned as far back as possible, attempting to both distance himself and gain enough leverage to toss Luke across the aisle and get the hell out of there.  
  
_I got myself into this. I got myself into this. I didn't want this. Not like this._  
  
As Luke pulled both the shorts and boxers down in one swoop, Seth scrambled against him, pushed him, couldn't get an angle to punch and for the first time noticed his own tears flowing. It all felt so futile. So hopeless.  
  
"I won't tell, I swear I won't tell. Just don't."  
  
"What do you think I'm going to do to you, Cohen?" Luke grabbed both of Seth's wrists behind his back with one hand and began fondling him with the other, "I wouldn't hurt you. You know I wouldn't hurt you." And suddenly, Luke was on one knee in front of him and Seth just felt warm moisture surrounding him. It was a hasty, drool-filled job and every time Luke pulled back the cold chill of the locker-room hit the spit giving Seth the oddest mixture of hot-and-cold sensations...one that would probably remain in his sense memory forever.

(scene)

He thought he would feel ashamed when he came, but what do you know? He wasn't thinking at all. He had been going along, wondering what else Luke was going to do to him; if Luke was even planning. He figured it was an impulse thing and if maybe he just fell to the floor as soon as Luke let him go that he wouldn't see any reason to bother anyone so incredibly pathetic.  
  
Then it hit him.  
  
Every conscious thought was knocked out of his head and he just felt light. Not saw light, but felt it. If anyone ever asked him, he'd say his orgasms were blue. They were pop—as in the music, which was highly embarrassing because who really wants to come Nsync? But, that's how he would describe them and any shame he felt surrounding this one wouldn't appear until the feeling was gone.  
  
As his mind cleared he realized he had thrown his already injured head back into the lockers and it was dully throbbing. Realizing his hands were free, he looked down and vaguely noted that Luke had swallowed.  
  
Luke had been gazing up at him, right hand still in place, but stopped and let go as soon as Seth opened his eyes. Seth went to tuck himself back in, but was blocked by the weight of Luke's body now pressing up against him. As far as he could tell Luke was smelling his hair, which was highly weird because he'd washed his hair with a bar of soap that morning and it probably didn't smell like anything special.  
  
The bell rang and Seth refused to let the cliché phrase pass through his mind as Luke snapped Seth's clothes back into place and scuttled off towards the exit.

(scene)

It wasn't until English that it really hit him. What had just happened. What might have happened. And his mind was fluctuating between increasing depression and the slowly emerging justification. Because it would probably happen again...but, if it didn't that meant...but, he just wanted to be left alone...but, if Luke just—what if he wasn't even good enough....  
  
There was this horrible realization that part of him wanted to be wanted so badly that he was almost as scared of this stopping as he was of this continuing.  
  
And there was another bell. Another class period where no one even noticed whether he was there. They thought he was weird anyway so, they certainly didn't notice any change. And he suddenly realized that he was already thinking in terms of a secret life, not just a one-time incident. Because he was never stupid and the reality was that someone like him—if he had any type of a life it was going to be a secret.  
  
He felt very peter Parker for some reason and felt like watching _Spider- man_.

(scene)

He wished they'd given James Franco the part instead of casting him as Harry. Just because seeing a guy with curly hair who played on _Freaks and Geeks_ would make him feel even more connected to the part.  
  
After the movie he decided to continue drowning his brain in colorful images and went up to his computer intending to submerge himself in his downloaded copy of _Matrix Revolutions_. Then he saw those _Freaks and Geeks_ files and had the brilliant idea of making it a little marathon. He started to wish he had a copy of _James Dean_.  
  
And he really did intend on just watching it, he hadn't seen any of this stuff in a while. He had no intention of touching anything besides the mouse; he really didn't know what came over him.

(scene)

He was in full swing—or full stroke as it were—when his father burst in with some compulsion to tell Seth about one of his cases. He was talking so fast that he'd gotten through a full sentence before he realized what was going on as Seth attempted to melt into the carpet under his desk never to arise again.  
  
"Oh." Sandy was an eloquent man.  
  
He turned on his heel, and Seth was thankful that the man hadn't decided to have a full on father-son chat right then.  
  
So, apparently, that's the ticket, kids. If you don't want your parents asking you questions about that busted lip or bruised wrist, let them catch you whacking off to James Franco.  
  
...Or, Linda Cardellini as he'd later told his father. He said she reminded him of Summer...in a big green jacket. Why the hell he wouldn't have just used an old yearbook if he wanted to whack off to Summer was beyond even him, but when masturbation's involved, logic has no place here.  
  
So, Sandy hadn't even noticed the signs of damage. He must have told Kirsten what he walked in on because her eyes were averted the next few times Seth saw her. They were usually very attentive parents, but at some point they must have realized that their son was just not very popular and he had no intentions of conforming to become popular, nor would they ask him to. So, things that would normally be weird, they weren't so weird anymore. And they didn't ask any questions. They just started knocking before coming into his room.

(scene)

It became a thing, as he half knew it would. And he didn't want to recall it because things fluctuated between Luke kind of neutrally using him and Luke beating him to the point that he himself didn't even want to touch him anymore. All the time interspersed with these moments where all Seth could think was that it felt like pure love—he couldn't help but think it. Those rare times—Luke looked outwardly the way Seth felt when he looked at Summer. Because he still looked at her and that, according to Luke, was a problem.  
  
And that's when he got the kindness.  
  
Cuddly-Luke had come out when he'd seen Seth still making pathetic efforts at being noticed by Summer who was talking animatedly about some new preventative anti-aging treatment she planned on getting for her eighteenth birthday. Marissa looked at Seth kind of funny, but didn't acknowledge his presence beyond that and he stood in the half-crowded hallway with his hand in the air fighting the urge to have an 'I'm a loser' dialogue with himself right then and there.  
  
Luke made an attempt at discretely waving him over which weirded Seth out to no end. When Seth turned away, Luke came to him.  
  
"Come out to the car for a minute." Luke spoke as if they were casual friends and walked away, without threat or force.  
  
Seth was tempted not to go, but figured if Luke really wanted to do something to him, he would just punch him in the face and get to work.  
  
So he went.  
  
What followed was an abstraction of a conversation in which Luke told Seth he wasn't happy about the way their "relationship" was going. He wanted Seth to know he was special to him and when they "made love" for the first time he wanted it to be at Seth's request. He wanted Seth to "be honest with himself" when he was ready to take that next step. Because it "would be beautiful" with the two of them. Then he unzipped his pants and told Seth to like his lips first— He wanted it soft. And he was unnervingly gentle unlike the first time he'd made Seth perform on him (There was a reason Seth didn't like Avril Lavigne and it involved her song playing on repeat in Luke's car while Seth was getting rammed down the throat).  
  
So, in private things were nicer and once in a while Seth let himself forget the true nature of the situation. And, in public, Luke went back to being an ass unless Seth slipped and said something to him in public. Luke would get extra pissed at that. Then he'd try extra hard to make up by being cuddly and caring. Until it became a polar opposite thing where Luke was like two completely different people, but Seth was always Seth and he elicited certain reactions that just couldn't be disguised no matter how hard you tried.

(scene)

He learned that when Kal came. Seth had been sitting on the grass in a park that was sprinkled with sunbathers who for some reason came out in late May as if it had been snowing for the past five months. A bicycle path stretched out a few feet away from him. Towards the end of his newly purchased copy of Legion, he heard a roar that sounded highly out of place. It became apparent that a motorcycle was coming down the path. It really wasn't illegal, he didn't think, he'd seen cars on the path before...then again those were trucks driven by park maintenance. He figured it would probably be safer to move back a little farther. He soon learned, however, that he'd underestimated the rider's prowess with the machine. Before Seth could stand, the bike whizzed by and then did an unexpected u-turn, slowing down to stop parallel to Seth who was still hovering an inch above the ground. He dropped when the man smiled at him. Just a guy; obviously passing through; motorcycle and leather jacket. It wasn't really a James Dean quality, but it was sexy and it was rebellious. And like a million screenwriters would have us believe, the mysterious outsider just had to be drawn to the spaz in a Pacman shirt.  
  
Seth liked him because he so obviously wanted him for sex. But, not in a clingy violent way. It was this laid back yet lustful manner that let you know he was planning to be an hour or two late for wherever he's been going.  
  
Seth couldn't remember the conversation, it was so unreal. He remembered people were staring at them. He said something about the law. Kal said something badass and invited Seth to come be a junior badass. He remembered seeing Marissa and Summer at some point from the back of the motorcycle. Summer still didn't notice him. Seth thinks she'd be very interested if she'd just turn her damn head this way. Marissa stared. Seth wondered about her sometimes.  
  
At some point that day, Kal said to him, "You should write the word 'virgin' on your forehead," Kal's smile made this seem like both an insult and a compliment.  
  
And he had lost his virginity that day. He lost it in the ocean. And that would make an interesting anecdote some day. There were no feelings involved and yet it felt so much better then the torture he'd been enduring. He remembers thinking: _this is the kind of slut I'd want to be_.  
  
It seems Marissa really did take notice of him because she felt the need to tell Luke that she'd seen him riding on the back of some guy's motorcycle and that she thought from the hair they might be cousins. Luke let him know that she'd also added that the motorcycle-thing was probably why he thought "he was so much better than everybody else" (which is funny to him now because she finally had her little 'in' to say it to his face three months later).  
  
Either way a week after "the event" as Seth was then calling it, Luke confronted him by the fence between the Cohen and Cooper property, asking if Seth thought he was too good for him and was he banging someone and blah blah blah. Seth indicated that his choices of recreation were none of Luke's business. Eventually they got around to:  
  
"You let him take what's mine".  
  
"What's _yours_? It never was yours. Not even when it existed. And certainly not now."  
  
Luke didn't hit him. He just cried. Seth was taken aback and didn't know what to do so he just left.  
  
And that's when he got the emptiness.  
  
Even when he tried, Seth never thought his words would really have such an effect. Who knew he had the ability to crush a human spirit? See, he _can_ have a meaningful impact on others' lives.  
  
So, now it was rough but not ultra violent, now it was sex, but unemotional. Like an estranged couple whose still going through the motions even though there's really nothing left but a few dried up old feelings that won't die from when times were better before she started working all the time and he cheated—  
  
And it hit Seth like that first punch in the mouth. All that time. He resented people who didn't see things right in front of there faces and here he was, unseeing. Luke really though this was a relationship. Like a boyfriend-boyfriend relationship. Propelled by this revelation he found Luke's phone number in the phone book and dialed the number, informing Luke's mother that this was Seth Cohen asking if Luke's home, waiting, hearing the confused 'hello' and asking:  
  
"Are you my boyfriend?"  
  
Silence.  
  
Silence right back.  
  
"You're not, like, recording this for any of your little friends are you?"  
  
"What friends?" Seth rolled his eyes involuntarily.  
  
Silence.  
  
"I'm not recording this."  
  
A pause then, "What do you think we've been _doing_?" Luke had the tone of someone insisting that they don't ball just _anybody_.  
  
Seth didn't respond.  
  
"Who was that guy? In the leather."  
  
"Which one?" Seth didn't plan to say it, it just felt right.  
  
Luke hung up.

(scene)

So, now, they were kind of dating.  
  
Seth Cohen was in an abusive relationship. He felt so after-school- special. It was a dynamic shift that occurred when Luke thought he was sleeping with other men, but still hadn't slept with him yet. He repeatedly stated he wouldn't force him though. That if Seth wanted to whore himself out to strangers and not sleep with his own boyfriend then that was his choice. But, Luke had no problem beating him up for blowjobs. It was just another idiosyncrasy in Luke's behavior.  
  
Once school ended, Seth tired of pretending and stopped implying that he was doing anything when Luke wasn't around but refilling his Ipod. He didn't go out much unless he had a sailing lesson or went skateboarding. He'd borrow the car if he had to go to the store. So, no, there wasn't much socializing. Their visits tapered off, but were still often enough that bruises didn't have a chance to fade before new ones appeared. He felt like he was in storage the entire month of July.  
  
Then he got a surprise.  
  
Seth can honestly say the closest thing to a sexual thought he'd felt was noting that Ryan had beefy arms. And really, the word 'beefy' isn't very sexual. He was just thinking that he had someone to hold the other controller. It was like Norman Rockwell did an ad for Playstation. Then Luke saw them together.  
  
That's when he got the jealousy.  
  
It was just a return to sexual aggression at first. Then the accusations. Then the threats. All because of this presence. Not an insinuation, not the slightest hint of flirtation. And yet, Luke was acting like an animal whose territory had been threatened.

**FLASHFORWARD**  
And suddenly he got it. Understood it all. Because Luke and Ryan were very much alike. Not in the way they treated him, but in their initial reactions to certain things.  
  
Ryan's response. The way he'd been when he'd found out about Luke. It was so much like Luke when Ryan arrived. And he'd been so caught up in being caught. After all this time, being caught. Well, _partially_ caught—Ryan didn't know about the Kal thing. But, he hadn't even registered Ryan's reactions until just now thinking about Luke.  
  
That drastic change in behavior. He'd seen Ryan feeling betrayed before and he didn't get passive aggressive then blow up. He'd brood or he'd fight if he was feeling betrayed. That's not what this was here. This was jealousy...  
  
...no way in the world was Ryan straight.

(Ryan)

Ryan chewed on a mandarin orange slice as he pondered over the question:  
_Why the hell has Seth been smirking at me all night?  
_  
"I think the Range Rover could use a wash." Seth didn't even make an attempt at sounding sincere in his ploy to get the car keys.  
  
"You know, I think it does." Kirsten nodded matter-of-factly at Sandy.  
  
"And lucky for us, there's a hose already hooked up and ready to go." Sandy was somehow able to make it very unclear whether he was being sarcastic or not. So, that's where Seth got it from.  
  
"Seth, why do you need the car?" Kirsten decided to cut to the chase.  
  
"I...need to go see a movie...in the Range Rover...with a girl."  
  
The table stilled. Yes. The surefire sign that you are social death walking (as Seth would say). Imply you have a date and the world stops spinning. Ryan didn't want to contribute to that, but he didn't really believe what he just heard.  
  
"A girl?" Kirsten finally spoke.  
  
"Who is this girl?" Sandy slipped into interested parent mode.  
  
No one seemed to notice that Ryan was still unmoving. He felt his eye twitching.  
  
"A lovely young lady. Very proper. Refined." Seth's parents raised their eyebrows at their odd, odd son. "She'd been playing hard-to-get and I think—I think I've got a little plan to get her."  
  
Kirsten held back a smile and okayed the keys and Seth bumped his hands together, shooting his mother a 'thank you'. He winked at Ryan who finally swallowed that mandarin orange.  
  
The next few minutes Ryan's thoughts revolved around why Seth would need that car and if there really was someone he was pursuing. Seth _had_ met someone—Ryan's 'date' for cotillion. She didn't really seem like the kind of girl who would play hard-to-get, but something was definitely going on. Between dawn and breakfast, something had shifted.  
  
Ryan waited until Kirsten and Sandy headed out to work before asking.  
  
"You have a date?" He didn't mean to sound disbelieving, but it came out that way.  
  
"As of right now. No, I do not." Seth was very upbeat about it.  
  
"So, what's with the car?"  
  
"That? That is so you and I can go damage our hearing in an insanely loud Imax movie."  
  
"The two of us?"  
  
"Who else, Ryan?"  
  
"You said you had a girl."  
  
Seth laughed, "Yeah, okay, and that was _believable_."  
  
Okay, so it wasn't believable, but Ryan didn't understand why Seth went through the whole charade. "Why didn't you just say you were going with me?"  
  
"Because I hadn't asked you yet. You might have been spending the day with Marissa."  
  
"No. I don't know; she's off and on basically."  
  
"Well," Seth stood and Ryan noticed he had changed from jeans to pajama pants sometime before coming to breakfast, "I am very much on. So, Ryan," Ryan realized his eyes had been lingering far below Seth's face for too long and looked up in time to see Seth waggle his eyebrows, "if you would accompany me to a movie, I promise to be a perfect gentleman and keep my hands on my side of the armrest at _least_ 80% of the time." Ryan laughed as Seth backed out of the room. "Matinee. We'll head out...well, now really, get out of Newport, take a drive."  
  
Ryan hadn't expected Seth to be able to joke about things so soon after they happened, but he was actually flirting very comfortably. So, Seth felt better and Ryan was glad for him, but he was getting unsure of himself. He'd thought it would be easier to just ensure things stayed platonic, to not risk anything when both of them were basically vulnerable and had to live in the same house together and really only had each other as far as friendship goes. Saying he was straight just seemed like the best way to make everything easier. But, Seth was now surprisingly okay with it, to the point of joking about it and it was 10 times harder for Ryan to feign disinterest. It wasn't so bad before because he really didn't think there_ was_ an attraction.  
  
Ryan thought about it as he headed back to the pool house to get ready.  
  
The first though Ryan had when he met Seth was 'he's checking me out'. It was just an observation and apparently he'd had seen all he wanted to in the first few seconds because he jumped immediately to an inquiry about joining him for Playstation. Ryan had just assumed the kid was gay—until all that Summer-talk and even afterwards he figured it was a bi-or-denial situation. The moment that stood out for him was Luke calling Seth 'queer'. He remembers thinking, 'who even says that'? I mean, the word choice alone indicated some serious sexual identity frustration. And Ryan kept thinking—it has to be more than that because Seth's this kid who says he doesn't want to associate with anyone from Newport and yet he keeps making contact, like he's forgetting he's not supposed to like them. Something's not right here.  
  
Ryan never made the final connection though, and in hindsight of course he feels like a complete idiot. Seth seemed like this virginal, innocent, awkward kid that was happy just to have Ryan's friendship. And it's shallow, yes, but Ryan's frustrated that this kid has more experience than him in this. And he feels pretty pathetic for not recognizing his own attraction until it was basically thrown in his face by circumstance.  
  
Subconsciously, maybe he thought they'd eventually be each others' first—first guy at least. Now...he didn't know. Everything was weird.  
  
Ryan came out of his reverie half way through shampooing his hair when he realized he was making preparations to go on a date. This routine he used to do, condition hair, soap body, rinse hair and body, shampoo—it was a pre- date ritual he started when he first took Theresa to a dance. He'd used her mom's shampoo because they'd dressed at her house. Funny how old habits come out.  
  
Ryan finished, he dressed, he was about to head back to the house, but Seth was lounging in a deck chair waiting. If it weren't for the recent rise in metrosexuality anyone would think Seth had dressed specifically to come out of the closet. The thing about Seth though, was that his jeans were probably so tight because he'd owned them since middle school. The pink shirt—it was a band shirt as far as Ryan could tell. The big thing that got him though was the bowling shoes. Why the hell did Seth own white and baby blue bowling shoes?  
  
As the approached the car, Ryan saw their reflections in the side and for the first time started to feel funny about walking around in a wife-beater. Because they looked _really _good together. Really f-ing good together.  
  
Seth unlocked the doors and Ryan stepped into the passenger side while Seth walked around to the driver's seat. He was smiling uncontrollably.  
  
"A bit excited about the movie?" Ryan hadn't seen Seth this happy since...when?  
  
"The movie? No. I admit I do get exited by a lot of things. Mint comics, illegally obtained copies of unreleased video games, Saved by the Bell on DVD, but this movie? No. It just so happens that I'm hanging out with my number one pal, one Ryan Atwood and we are going for a drive. One _morning_ of rebellion—."  
  
"At an Imax movie?"  
  
"At an _out-of town_ Imax movie."  
  
"And why are we going out of town?" Ryan wondered if Seth was planning to pick someone up and was tempted to let him know not to many people go cruising at an Imax movie—then, again, Seth didn't seem like he'd be rude enough to try to meet someone while they were out together...."You don't want anyone seeing us on a date?"  
  
Seth's glanced over and threw Ryan gigantic grin as he shook his head in what Ryan knew was a deliberate attempt at an enigmatic answer.  
  
At the last minute he responded, "Everyone assumed everything they were going to the second they saw us together."  
  
"Yeah, but you weren't wearing that outfit."  
  
"That is true. This outfit—I think it's slimming."  
  
"No." Ryan looked over the outfit, which did accentuate the muscular aspects of his build. The car slowed and Ryan looked up to see they were at a light. He also looked up and realized Seth had seen him looking him over. Seth's expression didn't change and Ryan realized what had been different since breakfast—Seth looked smug. "What?"  
  
"I'll tell you at the theater," Seth turned his eyes back to the road as the light switched to green. ", Where it's _nice_ and dark."  
  
"You want to get me in the dark?"  
  
"You know I do." Ryan notices that Seth looks serious now. He's holding his eyes to the road, but Ryan doesn't need to look him in the eyes to know he's being genuine, "I know you have your reasons for—whatever you—maybe say to me or whatever. But, even if you're not _with_ me, I don't think it's bad to just treat you the way I would if we were—dating."  
  
"You would take me to a movie?" Ryan leaned forward attempting unsuccessfully to get in Seth's eye line.  
  
"I'd take you anywhere." Seth's hand were flexing on the steering wheel as if he were preparing to shove the wheel in whatever direction Ryan asked.  
  
"You'd turn around and take me back to the house right now?"  
  
Seth whipped to face Ryan and looked broken, but quickly maneuvered the steering wheel to turn around in the small parking lot of a nearby animal hospital.  
  
"Seth, I didn't mean it like that."  
  
"No. You did. And I get it, man, you're straight."  
  
"We both know I'm not." The car jerked to a stop in the middle of the parking lot. "Don't do that. You knew."  
  
"So, why? Why lie about it? You know how stupid I felt when you told me that?"  
  
"About as stupid as I felt when I saw you together."  
  
"You're acting like I **led** you into it!" Seth must have realized he was screaming and lowered his voice, "It's just—you're my only friend. And I could understand not wanting to lose that, but you're just making things worse. You're acting just like him."  
  
"Him?!" Ryan was too incensed by the comparison to formulate a sufficient sentence.  
  
"You're acting like a jealous prick even though you're the one I wish would be with me."  
  
They sat in silence for a moment until Seth continued.  
  
"But, I'm tainted now, right?" Ryan glared at him, "Then why don't you just kiss me or do whatever and just be with me."  
  
"Because I won't use you like that. Because I'm not him."  
  
"It's not using m—." But, Seth was cut off because Ryan had wanted to make the last point before giving in and getting that first kiss over with. Because that was the big step. And they were actually taking it.  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - -- - -- - - - - -- - ------------ - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -  
A/N: The funniest thing is typing out blowjob as two words and having spell- check tell you it's wrong. I really don't want to think about my software knowing things like that.  
  
And, yeah, I overcompensated for the long waits between chapters. I think this whole thing is over half as long as the other 9 chapters combined. Not sure if the formatting will be right though :(


	11. Thursday Morning 3

Title: SHIFT Chapter 11: THURSDAY MORNING 3 Author: calciumyeah

Summary: Slash. LukeSeth, RyanSeth. Ch 11-and they've finally come together....

A/N: Because I'm procrastinating in studying for finals...

Ryan wasn't sure how many lines he wanted to cross. In a way, this was enough. The kiss. Even something so small could change so many things—but what after? Did he want it to be a whole _thing_, like a gradual step thing? That seemed too girly, too dramatic, too puppy love. Unless you were talking AA steps—and he definitely wanted to avoid anything resembling that.

Part of him—a big part of him—just wanted to get it all over, do everything right then so there wouldn't continually be the whole issue of 'how far will we go _this_ time?'

But Seth pulled back.

He was out of breath. And smiling. Ryan just hoped he didn't want to talk about it. He could easily get through this without talking about it. They'd been arguing only seconds earlier and Ryan was worried that as soon as their lips parted the same words would pour out. But, Seth wasn't much for angsting things up; he went straight for the quip.

"Front seat in a parking lot. Classy lady."

"What?" Ryan wondered which of them Seth was referring to as a lady.

"Hmm? No. Nothing." Seth caught himself before mentioning that's what he'd said to Marissa regarding her initial hook up with Luke. He didn't want Ryan thinking of either of them right now.

They looked at each other for a few seconds in amusement bordering on awkwardness. They were both trying to adjust from the anger a few moments earlier to whatever they were supposed to be feeling now.

"You, know, I dressed extra special for this date."

"It's a date now?"

"Well, you know about the cow and the dairy products. And I'm just saying that my cream is in no way free—and _wow_ that sounds really bad." Seth nodded to emphasize just how much he regretted his choice of words. Ryan watched him and enjoyed the characteristically Seth moment.

Seth noticed the voyeuristic pause and looked back at Ryan inquisitively. Ryan shook the moment off, almost wanting to give Seth the 'you're-so-unique-and-wonderful' spiel, but feeling more comfortable with just shutting up and turning away. Seth chose to let it slide.

"So, are we still going to emerge ourselves in the Imax experience or would you prefer the ever-enjoyable Thursday morning showing of sickly animals in 3D?" Seth pointed non-too-subtly at an overly tanned Julie Cooper clone carrying a constantly scratching chow into the veterinary center.

Ryan shrugged.

"When in doubt, choose sharks," Seth started the car and Ryan realized they were actually heading for the movie and not back home as he'd originally assumed. He was trying to ignore the nagging disappointment.

"So, anyway, I dressed extra special for this date." Wait, what? Ryan had to back track in his brain to figure out how in the hell this related to their current conversation. "And you, I mean you're sexy. The wife beater and all—very sexy."

"This is going somewhere weird."

"Me? Weird? Never. No. I'm just saying that I'm thinking this day is special. So, maybe, you would like to, I don't know—take off the wife beater. Just a thought. That way I'm dressed different, you're dressed different."

"That's very subtle." Ryan's eyebrows were working overtime today, both raised in amusement.

"Thank you. I'm quite good at it. So, yeah. Wife beater. Off. Half naked Ryan is always good."

"Completely naked Ryan's even better." Ryan's flirting was of a more expert brand. The kind that made teenage boys accidentally jerk the steering wheel slightly and regret every moment not spent entangled with one Ryan Atwood. "You really want to go to this movie?"

"The Imax? Yeah. Well, okay, I just want a theater. Right now, I'm thinking I'll just go to any theater. I just really have the urge to be in a theater with you right now."

"Public place fetish?"

"No fetish. Just _the_ perfect molest your friend fantasy ever. The old 'intern's overtime' in the not-quite-empty theater. _To_ the sounds of sharks and c-list score composers. Now that's special."

Ryan smirked, but he noted that something seemed off. With the biting and the sharks, and the whole issue they were avoiding. Seth's whole concept of sex. Ryan didn't know how much of it was Seth and how much was adaptation to the Luke situation. Hmm.

Seth apparently really did have an urge because they pulled into the first theater they saw. The place wasn't significant to Ryan as he didn't really know the area, but one look around at the businessmen driving by, the shopping bag laden pedestrians crowding the block and the obscure titles visible on the marquee from a distance screamed pretentious, high-class, come spot a celebrity area. So, it was pretty obvious why this wouldn't be a first choice location.

They pulled into a recently vacated parking space anyway.

Ryan was overly conscious. He felt like he did when he'd first walked around Newport. Like he had a big "I don't belong here' sign hanging around his neck. He still kind of felt like that, but at this moment it was worse. At least before he'd been only half conscious that he and Seth looked like a couple. Now, it felt like everyone was staring at them, knowing. He shouldn't care...right?

He got his opportunity to think about something else for a moment when some 20 year old ad exec (or whatever the hell he was that had him sitting in the driver's seat of a parked Porsche) seemed to forget whoever was on the other end of his cell-phone and blatantly ogle Seth who was squirming around, attempting to pull some money out of the left front pocket of his jeans. The man was too engrossed to be aware of Ryan's glare.

Feeling what he'd always called his protective nature, but what was more likely jealous rage, Ryan closed the 5-foot distance he had self-consciously put between Seth and himself. Seth seemed to be oblivious of the switch from distant to hovering and simply handed Ryan his ticket and went to order some Tazo tea. Ryan chose to abstain, as he wasn't entirely sure what the hell "tazo" was.

As soon as they entered the theater, Ryan eyed the back rows assuming that's where Seth wanted to go and while he was frustrated to find a touristy looking man and woman in his ideal spot, Seth apparently had other plans as he'd already bee lined straight for the middle rows.

Once they'd seated themselves in the exact center of the room, Ryan turned to Seth knowing an explanation was already on its way out.

"The back, my friend. The back is for wussies. We are the courageous. The Peewee Hermans, if you will. The ones who make inappropriate sex in a movie theater mean something. We are now thoroughly surrounded; and thus we are brave." Ryan regretted ever watching an episode of Buffy as he was unpleasantly reminded of Andrew during Seth's sarcastic mini-speech. The sip of tea through the straw clinched it and sexy moments aside; Ryan had an idea of why Seth was a bit of an outcast.

Then Seth put the drink down, licked his lips and looked at Ryan seriously. Or lustfully. It didn't matter because damn that look was worth listening to Andrew incarnate for a few hours.

"You didn't get a drink so I'm guessing you don't plan on doing anything thirst-inspiring." And Ryan didn't respond because, well, Seth was right—Ryan hadn't even thought about reciprocating. "That's cool."

And with that, Seth dropped to the floor and his hands went for Ryan's zipper.

"Seth, wait, the movie didn't even start yet."

"No fear, Ryan, remember. That's why we're not in the pool house or sitting in the back corner or calling each other 'Harry' and 'Peter'. We're not worried about this. We're being open."

"Get up."

"Shit." Seth's hands stopped, "Ryan. No, don't start this. We need to let this happen."

"This isn't therapy, Seth. You can't just suck me off in a movie theater and make your problems go away."

"I _have_ no problems Ryan. Okay, you—you're the one with all the angst and the drama. I'm just trying to give my best friend a blowjob." The lights started to dim and Seth looked around. "Ryan, listen to me. Look at me. We are _so_ close to this working."

The theater became dark around them as Seth waited hopefully for a response.

"I want to do this," Ryan put his hand on Seth's already moving hands as he spoke, "But don't act like you're not scared of it. It makes me think you're not realizing the consequences. Or you're lying."

Seth waited for Ryan to continue, but when he just tilted his head back and went about getting comfortable, Seth decided he didn't want to continue the conversation (or think about the clawing voice screaming that he was already enough of an outcast without giving people another reason to spurn him). He wanted to be fine with things, with himself and if he had to block out all conscious thought and go with desire then so be it. He didn't bother with a lot of hand warm-up; he went straight into a cat-like nuzzling and licking motion that Ryan tried not to find weird.

Meanwhile, Ryan was also pushing back random images flowing into his mind. They were what his mind conjured up when he'd found out about that whole 'situation'. That situation he didn't want to think about in detail. He didn't want those images of Seth in pain mixing with his current state of arousal. Seth didn't need someone getting off on that again.

After a minute, clearing their minds became easy as they fell into a mutual effort at a silent-yet-brazen sexual display. Seth was giving the softest performance Ryan had ever experienced, like he was playing an instrument, very graceful. There were swirls, Ryan could feel swirls and there might have been a pattern to them. Or not. There were tingling trails in winding paths crossing over each other until it just felt like he'd been covered in some narcotic, some sexual drug. Vampire kisses and sex kitten blow jobs. Hmm.

Seth went more traditional as soon as the movie's sound picked up. Ryan hadn't thought to ask what they were watching. He popped his eyes open wondering when he'd closed them and saw subtitles on the screen. A French detective film apparently. Ryan closed his eyes again. Yep, it was back to basics. The good old up and down, slather me in spit and...whoa—that was an attempted deep throat. Could Seth do that? No time to think—there's—that's nice—

Okay, so Ryan's thoughts kind of went out the door and Seth was acting like a cannibal with an ice pop or some such analogy. It was all very money shot inducing. And that money shot definitely came. Or Ryan did, whatever.

They'd been doing well, gone unnoticed while only half trying to hide, stayed quiet...until Seth took Ryan by surprise. He'd been going strong with a fluid up and down motion for a while there and then out of nowhere threw in a super hard tongue swirl that was ill timed considering Ryan wasn't expecting it and he ended up expressing both his surprise and the swirl-induced orgasm quite verbally.

"You cum like you're fighting. I swear you sound like you're throwing somebody." Seth's eyes glittered, but Ryan was panicking as he glanced around and realized he a few people were eyeing him suspiciously. He gave them a weak smile and pushed Seth's rising body back to the floor, glaring at him. Seth smiled. "Oh, come on, I _so_ wasn't getting up."

"Shh." Ryan tried to keep his eyes on the screen and not draw any attention to the floor in front of him.

Seth poked Ryan, "You might want to put this away," he looked at his gooey hand, "and clean up. You know. In whichever order."

Ryan hurriedly tucked himself in and tried to wait a decent amount of time before getting up to leave the theater. As he rose, Seth whispered at him, "You don't want to watch the movie?"

A/N Okay, it's short and unedited, but the next chapter's planned so it will come once finals are done (i.e. next weekend).


	12. Thursday Noon

Shift

Chapter 12:Thursday Noon—The chapter written with severe writer's block.

By Calcium Yeah

A/N: I read reviews with a huge smile on my face. Seriously. Technically this is up before the weekend is over. Techincally.

A/N:My friend has me paranoid about the characterization & I'm not sure anymore....

"Don't make me do the whole cliché 'are you mad?' thing." Seth's eyes kept averting from the road, attempting to size up Ryan's emotions and failing miserably. The façade of confidence had all but broken away when he'd caught up to an impatient Ryan outside and was greeted with silence. Ryan shifted in his seat, and licked his lips looking like he was holding in whatever he felt like saying. "Okay. I get it..._Okay_? I just wanted this to be about us having fun without all this..._stuff_ sitting on top of us the whole time. I wanted things to be special and not like every other—." Seth stopped himself.

Ryan shifted and breathed through his nose in an obvious effort not to let what was almost said have an effect on him. "I'm just not that public. I can't be that public."

"I wasn't trying to drag you out of the closet or anything. I'm not planning on telling anybody."

"There's nothing to tell."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seth had no idea what the comment meant and Ryan didn't respond to his question, "Being ignored. Well, I know how to handle that. That's familiar."

They drove on in silence until they reached the Cohen driveway. Seth spent the time trying to figure out how Ryan had gone from coming in his mouth to brooding silently as far from Seth as possible. Could Ryan really be pissed about some people looking at them in the theater? Maybe he shouldn't have tried to act like the past two days hadn't happened. Ryan probably thought he was insane, probably thought he was messed up after everything with Luke. That was more than likely right. Luke had messed him up, he just blew Ryan Atwood in a movie theater and he was thinking about someone else.

"I want to make this work." As he parked, Seth's eyes showed how worried he was that he'd done something wrong, that his past experience hadn't given him the skills to pull off in reality what he planned in his head.

"It'll work."

"No, I mean for real, not just telling me what I want to hear. Let's just do it over. We'll go in the pool house this time, and I'll be serious, no joking around. We'll do whatever you want."

"Seth, it was fine. I just need to get used to—everything."

"But, you don't have to, we can just do what you're used to—."

"What am I used to Seth?" Ryan snapped and Seth had the unnerving sense of déjà vu as he remembered the earlier days with Luke when every encounter left Luke volatile and elicited a beating for every orgasm. He must have flinched because Ryan made an obvious effort to relax his tine. "I'm not used to anything, Seth."

"But, you said that—before, you lied," Seth was genuinely confused.

"It doesn't mean—can we not talk about this?" Ryan sounded agitated.

"Fine, then just let me try to do something so we don't leave things like this."

"Like what? Everything went fine. Do you want to cum or something? Is that what this is about?"

"You know I don't care about that. I want you to be happy with me."

"Shit, Seth. Will you just be fucking normal? You want to be with me, okay, I'm glad, but you have sex to fucking cum. Stop serving me. I'm not—I'm anyone else."

"I do want to be with you, "Seth just managed to remain calm as he spoke, "and I may have some hang ups, you know, from being raped repeatedly for five months, but I'm not having sex to _serve_ you. And I'm not having sex to '_fucking cum_'. I'm trying to _be_ with you." The tears almost inched out on "be", but Seth held them and could no longer speak. He could see Ryan was uncomfortable. Could have been the words; could have been Seth's blatantly choked back tears.

"I'm trying to make things alright for you."

"Don't make it that," Seth managed to get the words out in a whisper.

"It's just always there, okay? No matter how much we pretend it's not. Everything you do is affected by him." As Ryan spoke, Seth decided to just let his tears go.

"So, you're making me pay for that? I'm trying not to let him affect us, I'm putting it behind me. That's what this was supposed to be about."

"I thought it was about having fun."

"Ryan, stop being a dick! Everything I say, you're picking apart like you just want things to go wrong. What, did you decide to put me to a test and ended up finding out I was too posttraumatic to meet up with your little predetermined standard? Is that why you're avoiding Marissa? Because she's too 'up and down'? Now I'm too up and down."

"There's no standard Seth. There's you."

"What are you talking about? Say what you're talking about! I'm tired of telling you everything and knowing nothing about you! Stop with the riddles and just tell me. What do you want from me?"

"I don't know. I've never even had an girlfriend before, I go out & bang a chick, never even looked at a guy. Then this twist of fate puts me in this place where I fall in love with some weird ass rich kid—."

"Upper middle class." The tears stopped as Seth registered Ryan's words, but he sniffled and pouted to prevent himself from bursting into a huge grin.

"I don't want to mess this up." Ryan seemed unaware of what he'd just admitted.

"I think what we did wrong...what I did wrong was try to push everything down, right?" Ryan nodded, "And in order to be therapeutic, you have to work through things to get over them."

"You're going somewhere weird again."

"I just think that I need to work though it. So, instead of blocking my thoughts out, I need to just let them come. So, this time when I'm sucking you off, I'm just going to let my thoughts run where they may. It'll be very therapeutic."

"This is a weird day."

"And you never took your shirt off." Seth noted as he moved closer.

A/N I may redo this whole chapter. I had severe writer's block. I can't track their emotions anymore. I'm printing out the whole story to get a better idea of what I need to do. Definitely need feedback on this chapter (and 11).


	13. Thursday Noon 2

**SHIFT**

Chapter 13--Thursday Noon 2

By: Calcium Yeah

Summary: Slash. Luke/Seth. Ryan/Seth. Ch.12: Time for something completely consensual.

A/N: I tried to wait til it came to me this time, but after several months, a new season & realizing that I'd started this story way over a year and a half ago, I realized it was time to get on with it. Reviews have been very helpful. Remember, this is after episode 1x04.

* * *

Ryan hadn't lied about being uncomfortable with the public display. And, as much as you call a driveway private property, it's pretty much visible from several different angles. He urged Seth toward the pool house, tumbling over the legs that were attempting to wrap around his own.

The pool house wasn't as private as Ryan would have liked but he didn't really feel right sleeping with Seth in the Cohen home. Okay, technically the pool house was part of that home, but it didn't feel as weird as being in the actual house.

"Your shirt. Why are you so attached to that shirt?" Well, that's what Ryan thought Seth was saying, it was hard to understand the words muffled against his hair. What the hell was Seth doing in his hair? There wasn't any moisture so he didn't think Seth was licking it or anything, but there was something going on up there that was making his scalp tingle.

Meanwhile, Seth's hands were tugging at aforementioned shirt, but he was pulling down rather than up so he wasn't making much progress.

Ryan had been moving backwards and he was made aware that they'd reached the pool house when his back bumped against the doorframe. Seth surprised him by pulling away and bouncing around him to open the door and rush inside, leaving Ryan stunned for a moment at the sudden absence of another body hanging off of his own.

Ryan followed, closing the door behind him, and found Seth jumping on the bed, having apparently slipped off his shoes without unlacing them. The shoes had been tossed in front of the door, giving Ryan an unwelcome wave of thoughts about Seth's messiness that edged a little too close to parental for his taste.

"I'll just be jumping on this bed until you decide to keep your little promise." Seth waggled his finger in the general direction of Ryan's shirt. Ryan raised an eyebrow at him and leaned back against the wall to watch the other boy leap into the air.

"Okay, that is so the wrong choice." Seth attempted to leap off the bed, but his left foot caught in the sheet bunched up at the side of the mattress and he was sent tumbling over the side. Ryan sauntered over, remaining silent because he hadn't been around Seth long enough to pick up a talent for sarcastic commentary. As he neared, Seth's hand shot up & pulled him down into a roll that ended with Seth resting on top of him & smirking several inches from his face. "My plan, you see, is flawless."

Ryan had to admit, the plan seemed to be working very well. The sight of Seth smiling inspired him, he leaned forward to kiss him, but Seth pulled back and began eying the shirt. He had obviously given up on Ryan removing it and started pawing at it randomly, eventually getting the shirt over Ryan's head. Ryan was amused by the effort and chose to remain a passive observer until Seth had thrown the ball of fabric over his shoulder.

While Seth's head was turned, Ryan lifted himself up and circled his arms around Seth's waist. Seth turned back around and found himself staring into seductively lidded eyes that were soon fully closed as Ryan applied a gentle pressure to Seth's back, edging the smaller boy closer and putting their lips millimeters apart. They paused there in mid-air for just a moment, savoring the anticipation.

Seth broke first. He closed the space between them, placing his lips on Ryan's, opening & closing them slowly. Ryan slipped into a bit of a daze, almost forgetting to respond until he felt Seth's tongue traveling along his mouth. He opened his mouth a little too quickly, unintentionally deepening the kiss and inducing Seth to respond by lacing his left hand through Ryan's hair and grazing his teeth along Ryan's lower lip.

Ryan tried to pull away from the biting as casually as possible—he was still uncomfortable with Seth doing things like that. He gripped Seth's shirt as he slid his hands up his back, acting as if he had moved in an effort to take the shirt off. Seth's hands whipped down to Ryan's and stopped their upward momentum. They didn't discuss it; Ryan just placed his hands on Seth's hips and left them there. Well, for the moment….

(A/N: if it's not obvious, this is where I was stuck so screw it: Insert pron here.)

* * *

Ryan's eyes struggled to open. He couldn't tell how much time had passed since falling asleep with Seth's head resting on his stomach, but he didn't feel him there anymore. He felt worn out and had to stretch for a few minutes before getting the energy to open his eyes. He nearly burst out laughing when he saw Seth hanging over the edge of the bed, almost falling on the floor.

He finally registered that sun was beaming through the windows. _Damn, we never did close those curtains. _Ryan sat for a moment before wondering whether it was still Thursday afternoon or if it was Friday morning.

A glance at the digital clock on his dresser told him it was 5pm. He suddenly realized how glad he was that he hadn't slept through the night—it was bad enough that they'd slept so late since there was no telling when Kirsten or Sandy would be home…or if one of them was home already.

He was reluctant to wake Seth—whose drool was currently moistening the side of Ryan's bed—but knew he was not mentally prepared to explain his current state of undress while Seth was looking bruised and unconscious in his bed.

Ryan rolled himself over to Seth's side and debated how to wake him up. He never got the chance to decide as Seth's eyes snapped open inches from his own. Ryan cracked a smile at Seth's initial shock.

"Your mother told me to come back in here and wake you." Ryan didn't think it was possible, but Seth looked even more shocked than he had already been. He registered pretty quickly though, by Ryan's smug expression, that Ryan had been joking.

"So not funny." Seth dropped his head back down and sighed before attempting to get up. He looked like he was feeling the effects of sleeping awkwardly as he lifted himself to sit cross-legged where he'd previously been lying. "Argh," Seth rubbed his face, "I thought siestas were supposed to be refreshing."

Ryan, who had followed Seth to a sitting position, laughed. Not so much at Seth's words, but at the effects of their midday nap. After a few moments appreciating the sight of Seth's disheveled hair and puffy face, Ryan started to wonder what he looked like and became self-conscious, hoping he didn't look too gross. Anyway, if he did, Seth was too tired to notice. It had been a hectic couple of days.

Ryan was suddenly struck by the reality of the situation, and how much had changed in such a short amount of time. He looked over the boy sitting across from him until Seth seemed to slip out of his daze and become aware of Ryan's stare.

Not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable, Ryan thought he should say something, but his mind went blank so he just reached his right hand out to grab Seth's left. He didn't realize until it was too late that it would be kind of awkward to just sit there holding hands. He began to nervously stroke his thumb along Seth's hand, keeping his eyes trained on what he was doing.

He glanced up to see Seth had a goofy smile on his face, giving Ryan an immediate rush of joy that made him smile back at the other boy, who had apparently been watching his face the entire time.

"I could go for a gallon of water right now." Seth spoke, but made no move to get up. "Or a pint of Gatorade…or 2.5 ounces of chocolate milk—."

Ryan took the blatant 'hint' and let go of Seth's hand before searching for his discarded shirt. He couldn't find it, so he put on the worn in wife-beater he spotted draped over his duffle bag beside the bed. Seth was still without shoes, but he didn't seek them out. He just watched lazily as Ryan dressed, and seemed taken aback as Ryan reached his arms out once he was fully clothed.

"What?"

"I'm gonna carry you."

"Yeah, _okay_." Seth laughed sarcastically as he started to push himself off the bed, but Ryan kept his arms extended. "You are _not_ carrying me in there."

"You don't have any shoes on."

"I'll be sure to steer clear of any broken bottles or used needles scattered between here and the kitchen."

Ryan stepped closer and thought about just picking Seth up and carrying him into the main house, but decided against it and instead put one arm around him to guide him out the door. Seth smirked at him, but said nothing and let Ryan take the lead.

Ryan stood behind Seth who was slightly bent over, looking for something adequate to quench his thirst. He made sure to remain far enough back he didn't feel he was being obscene. Still, he unconsciously kept his left hand perched on Seth's hip as he looked over the other boy's shoulder.

"I thought you were about to die of thirst."

"Death means nothing to the picky—Does this look old?" Seth handed Ryan an almost empty jug of orange juice that looked about as old or new as any other juice Ryan had ever seen. He looked at the expiration date, which was up 2 weeks ago. How bad could orange juice get in 2 weeks? It was refrigerated. And it was just oranges. Without thinking, Ryan popped off the lid and finished the juice himself.

Seth glanced back and Ryan couldn't tell if Seth's surprise was because he had wanted the juice himself or because he thought the juice had gone bad. Before he could speak, something apparently caught his eye because he whipped his head back into the fridge, emerging with a can of iced tea.

Seth turned to face Ryan, whose hand shifted so it was now on Seth's waist. He waggled the can at Ryan, obviously pleased with the find and snapped the tab off, spraying himself with tea in the process.

"Ignore that." Seth wiped a few droplets from his face before downing at least half of the 24-ounce can. Ryan, half amused, half simply comfortable in their closeness, watched him drink, his hand now moving along Seth's side. He squeezed softly, enjoying the feel of Seth's body and still amazed that he was able to stand here doing this and it was okay—well, in some respects, it was okay.

Seth eyed him from behind the can. That was probably the third time he'd caught him staring in the past half hour.

"I knew you were gonna be thirsty when you woke up." Ryan hadn't meant for his voice to come out so husky.

"You did?" Seth's smirk indicated he thought Ryan's comment held a suggestive meaning that Ryan hadn't intended.

"Yeah. Judging by that puddle of drool you left by my bed—."

The sound of the front door slamming startled them both, as there hadn't been much of a warning by way of keys jingling beforehand. Ryan became suddenly aware of how he'd been hovering over Seth and became overwhelmed by guilt at the image as someone else may see it—him taking advantage of the smaller boy.

Ryan backed up and felt like an idiot after he went to take a drink out of the already-empty jug. He was lowering the jug as Sandy entered the kitchen. Sandy's tie was loosened, but he didn't look too worn out. He'd obviously had a good day. Of course, that meant he was bright and alert and all to likely to pick up on Ryan's nervousness.

Ryan wondered if Sandy had heard what he'd just said, and if he did, what he would assume it meant. If he'd heard anything, Sandy didn't see fit to mention it. In fact, he didn't even look at Ryan—who was avidly fidgeting with the plastic juice container.

Sandy's eyes went directly toward Seth who had moved to stand directly behind the kitchen counter. Ryan suddenly realized what Seth was probably hiding back there and felt like an idiot for being so reckless and practically groping the boy in his parents' kitchen.

"I thought you had a lesson." Sandy didn't seem to notice anything odd about the situation.

"Lesson. Right. What time was that again?" Seth sounded as flustered as Ryan felt.

"6:30. Seth, you've really got to keep better track of these things. What if I hadn't been here to remind you?"

"I believe that the world would have ended as we know it." Seth's remark elicited an eye-roll from his father.

"That kid would have been out there waiting for you and you never would have shown up. It's irresponsible. Come on, I'll give you a ride. You might be able to make it on time. Ryan, you want to come along?"

"Um, no. I'll just—." Ryan pointed back in the general direction of the pool house, unable to come up with an adequate excuse for avoiding the trip that would leave him traveling back in the car alone with Sandy. Sandy nodded, probably thinking Ryan was still getting used to his surroundings, or whatever he assumed Ryan was going through.

"Okay." Sandy nodded, obviously formulating some plan to ease Ryan into taking drives or something. "Seth." Sandy headed towards the door, not checking to make sure Seth was behind him.

"I need to get shoes." Seth shouted at his father's back, waiting until shortly after he'd been out of sight to move back over to Ryan, close enough to whisper in his ear. "I was drooling?"

Seth feigned mortification, but Ryan just smiled. Seth looked as if he was thinking something over, then he placed his hands gently on Ryan's arms. "Tonight—do you want me to come make another of my stealthy escapes?"

Seth's face turned hopeful, but Ryan couldn't shake the presence that Sandy had left behind. He felt like he was being watched. Then again, could he really turn down the offer? He slid himself away from Seth's touch and attempted to back away smoothly, not wanting to express a real preference either way, but not wanting to seem like he was actually turning Seth down. He tried to put on a noncommittal smile, but wasn't sure how it came across.

Seth didn't look confused; he had the same hopeful look he'd had on when he asked the question. It left Ryan wondering whether or not he should be expecting a visitor tonight.

Ryan contemplated this on the way back to the pool house and realized he was already deciding to take another shower and to forgo the wife-beater when he went to bed. As he approached the pool house, he saw there was something sticking out from behind a semi-large stone near the entryway. At first, it looked like a book, but upon closer inspection, he realized it was a videotape. He thought maybe Seth had dropped it while traveling between there and the house…or something like that.

However, after picking the tape up and flipping it in his hands, he realized the top of the cassette had his name written on it. He looked around, somewhat paranoid now, wondering if someone had just recently left it there. Then he came to the conclusion it was probably something Seth wanted him to see. Either he'd left it there by accident or it was something he was too nervous to show Ryan himself—like porn or something.

He didn't have a VCR in the pool house so he'd have to watch it in the living room or one of the guest rooms in the house that had one. It probably wasn't a good idea to go popping in unmarked tapes in a house full of people, so he'd wait til he was alone.

Ryan looked over the tape one more time then shrugged off his curiosity and shoved the tape in his duffle bag to view later.

* * *

A/N: You guys know what it is. Feel free to comment on how you think Ryan should react…whenever he does so. I may not go the way you suggest, but I'll definitely consider it. 


	14. Thursday Night

SHIFT 

Chapter 14—Thursday Night

By: Calcium Yeah

Summary: Slash. Luke/Seth. Ryan/Seth. Ch.14. Some filler to get from A to B.

A/N: Something to hold you over while I come to some decisions about how I'm going to wrap this up in a few more chapters. Damn, I started this story a long time ago.

Seth didn't know if this was intended as punishment for his absentmindedness.

Then again, why else would his father drop him off at the beach and not bother to make any arrangements to get him back home?

He hadn't brought his skateboard so he would either be walking back or he'd have to call one of his parents for a ride. He began to wish Ryan had a cell phone—or that they had those walkie-talkie things—so he could get Ryan to come for him. Then again, it probably wasn't a good idea to encourage Ryan to drive off with other people's cars.

Seth began to weigh the pros & cons of calling for a ride. Pro: he'd get back to Ryan faster. Con: he could possibly face an awkward dinner with Ryan and his parents. Pro: he wouldn't have to deal with a long and boring walk. Con: he would probably be facing another long and boring lecture on the ride home. There was also the distinct possibility that his father would just laugh and hang up when he called for the ride since he'd obviously been left here intentionally.

While doing all this contemplating, Seth had already ambled his way up towards the boardwalk. His decision was basically made and he decided to keep going and if he got tired, well then he'd just give in and call for a ride.

In hindsight, of course, he'd ask himself why he did it. These walks never turned out well for him. Someone always…turned up. And just like clockwork, "someone" showed up. But not in the way he had before, because this time Seth saw him first. And this time, he had company.

Luke and Marissa stood leaning against their respective gigantic vehicles. Seth would have laughed at the absurdity of it, but then he remembered what he was driving around in only hours earlier.

Seth must have blinked, because one second they were engaging in a mutual angst fest, and the next thing he noticed, they were both looking at him. He didn't know if they'd seen him at the same time or if one of them saw him first and told the other, or what. A few weeks ago, he would have just steered clear, but he was obviously expected to say or do something now.

As he got closer, Seth could almost feel Marissa wanting to ask about Ryan. She probably thought he was somewhere nearby.

_You should've stayed at home; you might have seen him recovering from the blowjob I gave him._ An image flashed in his mind, one of him on the receiving end, Luke's head moving frantically—

Seth shook his head, clearing his thoughts and receiving a strange grimace from Marissa, but Luke only scratched his eyebrow. Seth wasn't getting any vibes from Luke at all, nothing but neutrality there. Was he doing this because they were in public, or because he'd really let Seth go?

This wasn't the usual interaction they had when they were in public though. He was acting like…nothing. Maybe it had something to do with Marissa and her problems. Was he actually trying to stay with her? It's not like he really needed a beard—maybe he did in his mind, since he also felt he needed to verbally assault Seth to maintain his image—but, maybe he really liked her for some reason.

_It had been less than 24 hours since they'd had sex._ That was all Seth could think about as he approached them. It was driving him crazy. Marissa titled her head slightly, mumbling something at Luke that sounded to Seth like, "you choked up whippy", which Seth assumed was "you broke up with me".

_You did. You broke up with her._ "Hey." What else was there to say? Marissa, looked up sheepishly, seemingly nervous or ashamed of something, and Seth felt good knowing he wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable. Luke hadn't looked away since Seth first noticed them looking at him.

_They'd technically been together that very morning. _Luke's face remained blank and he turned to Marissa, apparently continuing some other part of their conversation. "He's worked with money, forever, right? He just has to do some things differently—."

"Can we just not talk about this?" Marissa was getting irritated. Luke obviously wasn't being sensitive enough. He was, after all, still just Luke.

_It had been better than Kal_. Seth now felt like he shouldn't be standing there. He couldn't even b.s. a line up to feign concern or offer condolence or anything. He was pretty sure that if he spoke, something inappropriate would come out of his mouth, like "believe me, you'll see just how horrible this lifestyle you've become accustomed to really is once you're on the outside looking in." Seriously, that's exactly what he was tempted to say, it was the only thing waiting to come out, and it was the only thing in his head besides…Ryan. There, he was now thinking of Ryan. Much better.

"I'm sorry. Look, maybe you should be with him, I'm not helping."

"No, it's not that. But, you're right. I need to be home." Marissa kept glancing up at Seth as she spoke, and he knew without a doubt that she wanted to talk to Ryan. But, she obviously still felt uncomfortable with the topic around Luke, so she was using every bit of willpower not to ask about him. Apparently, expelling all that energy on holding her tongue caused her to forget to offer him a ride. That, or maybe she wasn't really going home. That's what he told himself, it couldn't be that she didn't care to give him one. Never that..

Luke's movements were only a few behind Marissa's, rounding to the driver's side of his jeep as she was sliding into her SUV. Seth was insanely confused as he'd assumed Luke would be hanging around for a moment after Marissa left. Why was he leaving?

Luke didn't look back at him; he hadn't so much as snuck a glance since turning away from the stare earlier.

Something was wrong. When Luke had dropped him off earlier, he'd gotten this feeling like…it was messed up to say, but he had been pretty sure that Luke was thinking about doing…something. Seth kept dodging thoughts of the word 'suicide', but it jumped around his head anyway.

"You didn't want a ride, right?" Luke shouted in his general direction once Marissa was gone.

Seth paused with one foot in mid-air. "Um…," the foot landed, "I was just walking."

"So, you don't want a ride?"

Seth thought about it, but perhaps not long enough, because the furthest he got was 'why the hell not?'.

Just as Ryan suspected she would, Kirsten came home shortly after Seth & Sandy's departure. He immediately ducked down & decided to find somewhere inconspicuous to be until she went in the house, at which time he'd leave the premises to avoid any interaction with the lady of the house. He still got the impression that she wasn't too comfortable with him, and he really didn't want to push his presence on her right now.

He thought of checking on Marissa. He didn't know why, it just felt like the thing to do. But, then he thought about jacking off. Not because he really had to, just because he basically wanted to. He wanted to do it while he thought of Seth.

But, while that would keep Ryan tucked away & out of Kirsten's path, there was always the chance that she would actually come across him—and that would just be far too uncomfortable to allow to happen.

So, now Ryan was in the unfortunate position of sincerely craving some "time with himself", but not wanting to risk having that time while Kirsten was in the house, and being unable to think of anything to do besides go next door.

Then again…Ryan remembered that shower he'd been planning on taking. A shower could work; he'd be out of the way in the shower. And no one would walk in on him in the bathroom—well, maybe Seth would, but Seth wasn't home.

Ryan whipped off the wife beater he'd just put on and tried to undress as casually as possible, not like some perv who couldn't wait to touch himself in the shower…again.

But, how else could he really describe himself? Because as soon as he got in the shower, he had a handful of shampoo and no intention of washing his hair. This looked like it was turning into a daily thing.

It was harder—more difficult—today though, without Seth's voice outside keeping him going. Ryan tried to make his brain reproduce the sound, but it wouldn't come out right.

"Seth." He breathed the name, knowing it was a bad habit to get into, that it was just asking to give himself away to anyone who might be listening, but it felt like something he had to do. He shoved the image of Seth into his mind, trying to recreate what he'd felt the day before.

He thought about it, replaying Seth's words. He could almost feel it now, as he remembered how Seth fell deeper into his lies. Ryan was getting more and more into it with everything he remembered. His own hands massaging in very single lie, relishing them, feeling them in a way that he could only do now. In this box, this sensory deprivation chamber of a bathroom, he didn't brood, he didn't feel disappointment, he didn't fret and worry about the reasons for and repercussions from Seth lying to him. He just took it, and let it feel good.

It had been slightly easier yesterday. Today, he had to throw in some rationalizations, telling himself that people get off on much worse things. Physically hurting themselves or other people, using animals, kids. Whereas he just took in something and chose not to let it hurt him, used it instead…for pleasure.

The rationalizations helped, he got into it—it felt like it took forever, but he got into it. His hand felt better and better as he listed every lie he could think of that Seth had ever told him. Even things he wasn't sure were lies, he pretended they were.

His body temperature had risen and the water was feeling too hot, but he didn't want to move his left hand, which was balancing him on the slippery surface—and he certainly wasn't interrupting what his right was doing.

The heat was getting unbearable, and he focused on his thoughts.

"Seth." He said it again, but it didn't have the desired effect.

"You're lying." That helped.

"Seth, you're lying." Better. Much better. He could almost feel what he was looking for.

"Seth, you're lying to me." Ryan had found it. The phrase that got him over. He didn't repeat it, but he kept it on his mind as he finished.

Ryan held his hand out under the water, watched the stream clean his hand off, but even when it looked clear, it still felt sticky. He stared down at it, droplets still streaming down, but the feeling wouldn't leave.

It wasn't clear how long he'd stood there.

Ryan was buzzing, and now that it was over, he chose not to dwell on what it took to get him there. He knew that it was hard to substitute once you'd had the real thing, and he'd had the real thing this morning. And afternoon.

He tore his gaze away and shot his hand down to adjust the temperature, sending a shock of cold into his body. He grabbed the bar of soap resting where he'd left it that morning. He slathered himself in soap, but kept feeling like he wasn't clean enough. Eventually, he had to ask himself how long he'd been in there and he realized it was probably time to rinse off and get out.

Ryan didn't bother with a towel; he stormed out of the bathroom and flopped down on the bed, realizing that there were almost certainly a few things wrong with his new routine in the shower. After a moment, it clicked that he was lying there naked in a pool house with a lot of open windows. He wondered briefly what Kirsten would do if she saw him like that and was half tempted to find out—or 49 tempted because he decided it was better to get dressed.

Ryan didn't want to start watching the clock again, but Seth obviously wasn't home yet because he definitely would have came to see him, so Ryan still had an indeterminable amount of time to kill. Thus it was back to Plan A. Or B, or whatever plan letter going to check on Marissa was.

After digging around, Ryan found a pair of basketball shorts and an actual shirt with sleeves and everything that hopefully wasn't appealing enough to entice Marissa since he wasn't in any condition to deal with that. He'd try to get her to talk somewhere where he could see the Cohen driveway when Seth got home. That way he'd get a chance to change before they saw each other.

Ryan peeked around before exiting the pool house, and seeing no one in sight, he slid out into the open and began heading down the driveway. Ryan noticed that Sandy's car was back and didn't know if he was relieved that the two adults could entertain each other, or anxious that if they saw him and wanted to talk, he'd be stuck in a room alone with the two of them together. He stayed pretty close to the barrier between the Cohen and Cooper properties, but he knew it was kind of stupid since he wouldn't be obscured from view as far as anyone in the Cohen home was concerned.

However, the barrier clearly blocked any view from the Cooper household as he could distinctly hear that on the other side someone was carrying on what sounded from the tone of voice like a sensitive phone conversation.

He didn't recognize the voice at first, but after the word "gnarly" was used, Ryan concluded it was Summer.

"Did he, like, try to get back together with you?" Summer's tone seemed worried, he could tell her face was probably scrunched up as she listened to the response he couldn't hear. Ryan wasn't too sure about his status in the eyes of Summer. He didn't know whether to hide out until she was gone, or try to find out if the coast was clear to go see Marissa.

"But, come on, he'd probably try to give your father the money himself if he could. He's totally into you. You're like soul mates" Ryan realized then that it was Marissa on the other line. Meaning she wasn't home…probably, you never know, these did seem like the kind of girls to get on the phone with each other after they'd just been together.

"Trust me, you do not want to come home right now, I was just there since I couldn't get through on your _phone_." Okay, so she definitely wasn't home. There went that idea.

"Cohen?" Ryan paused, thinking Summer had heard him walking along side her. Summer laughed "And you just _left_ him? Um, hello, he probably came over looking for a ride. That is too funny…Coop, why would Luke give him a ride? I'm pretty sure he just left him there…I could really use a chai latte."

Ryan stopped himself, realizing both that he was almost at the end of the driveway and would inevitably bump into Summer, _and _that there was really no point in continuing that way anymore.

He stood still for a moment, knowing there was something he should have picked up from that conversation, but unsure what it was. He spun around the second it hit him. Something else almost hit him as Sandy was pulling out of the driveway. Ryan could see Kirsten in the passenger seat trying to conceal a smirk. He wondered about the things she found amusing.

"We'll be ba-ack." Sandy's tone was playful and he didn't question why Ryan was standing in the driveway. Well, then they more than likely didn't suspect him of smoking down there. He guessed that they were a bit too involved in whatever they were doing. They were probably going to have some alone time themselves after picking up Seth….

Who was somewhere with Luke.

Not _with _him, Ryan told himself. They were just in the same area.

But, it sounded like _he'd_ approached _them_.

Why would Seth approach them? He hated Marissa…and Luke. With good reason, he hated Luke.

Ryan asked himself why he was even thinking about this.

He trusted Seth. That's all there was to it. There was no reason not to trust him. Marissa had clearly been wherever he & Luke were, and it was probably a public place, which would keep Luke in check. He trusted Seth, and Luke was in check. He was fine.

He was fine with storming up to the pool house, grabbing his bike, and finding Seth.

But that was silly since Sandy & Kirsten were going for him right now. And hey, there was that empty house he wanted. Perfect for viewing random, unmarked tapes you find stashed behind a rock.

As soon as he entered the pool house, Ryan's eyes drifted over to the duffle bag in which he'd stashed the mystery tape. He thought it would be ironic if it was porn since he'd basically sated himself for the night.

But, he also kind of hoped it was porn since he'd gone through the trouble of waiting until the house was empty. For a brief moment, he worried that Kirsten and Sandy might return. But after he e walked over to the bag and pulled the tape out, he looked at it and thought "why the hell not?'

I absolutely promise you the next chapter before the holiday (meaning I'll upload it on Sunday, who knows when the hell it'll post).

I heartReviews…was that even legible?


	15. Thursday Night 2

SHIFT 

Chapter 14—Thursday Night

By: Calcium Yeah

Summary: Slash. Luke/Seth. Ryan/Seth. Ch.15. And now we engage in conversation. Example: "Damnit, Seth! You had sex with him again!"

A/N: I'll just tell myself that there are no reviews for chapter 14 because it's a holiday weekend—and not because it's a crappy filler chapter. Anywho, I'm assuming there's some non-reviewer expecting chapter 15 when I promised it, so here it is. Enjoy.

**CYCYCY**

"You lied to me."

The words hung in the air and Seth didn't know how to respond to what Ryan seemed to consider an appropriate greeting.

"Um…okaaaay. So we're not going to be curling up beside the fire and reading each other Legion tonight. I can see that." Seth approached Ryan who was sitting in the living room in front of the television, which was on a blue screen. Seth assumed that Ryan had just finished watching a tape.

"Luke." Ryan almost sounded like he was addressing Seth with this name, and Seth looked up confused at first, but when his eyes rested on Ryan's squinted eyes, he thought he knew what was going on.

"Ackgh." Seth threw his head back and looked exasperated. "I knew it. Everything I do, she picks apart now. For someone who notices so much of what I do, you'd think she'd have said more than 2 words to me the entire time we've lived next door to each other."

"You're talking about Marissa." Ryan stated this flatly, like the fact it was.

"And this thing where she's too busy running off to see you to even _offer_ me a ride home. I'm talking about feigning basic courtesy here—a pity ride. I mean, she lives next door! And then here we go, she gets me in trouble because she feels the need to talk about it. And, really, who even does that? Why would you tell somebody that?"

"I think she's said a bit more than 2 words to you, and—and what the hell am I talking about? Look, why are we even talking about Marissa?"

"Becaaaaaaauuuuuse as far as I know _you're_ pissed about _Marissa_ telling you that Luke gave me a ride home—which she only assumed because she was too busy rushing back here to see you to actually be concerned with how I got home."

When he didn't get a response, Seth became aware of the change he hadn't noticed occurring in Ryan's expression. It was transforming into a mixture of 'appalled', 'confused', and 'pissed'. Seth stopped ranting and rambling and just said softly, "I needed a ride."

"Is that what you're calling it now?" Ryan's sudden smirk seemed a bit out of place and Seth couldn't help thinking that it seemed to mask some sort of evil thoughts. A very comic book thing, Seth promised himself he'd stop thinking all comic booky in the near future.

"What are you talking about?" Seth was genuinely baffled.

"You tell me." Gone was any trace of Ryan's smirk just a moment ago was.

"My father clearly wasn't coming back for me. Marissa drove off. Luke offered to drive me home. He seemed fine, not weird or anything. I trusted him, which may have been a mistake, but it turns out that it wasn't. Because I rode here, I got here in tact—no worse off than when I left."

Ryan scoffed. Yes. He actually scoffed.

"No worse off…."

"Um, as far as I know." Seth was thrown off by Ryan's comment.

"Exactly." Ryan paused, considering something for a few seconds. He was visibly turning something over in his mind. " You rode home with him?" Seth nodded an affirmative response. "Just now?" Another nod from Seth seemed to incense Ryan. "So, he just left here?"

"I guess, Ry, what're you--."

"No, Seth, I can't do this anymore. I can't. It's too much. I just have to…Where is he? You know where he went. Where the hell is he?" Ryan stood up from the couch and started to move around the room as if Luke was hiding somewhere inside. Seth began to wonder if they tested people for mental abnormalities in juvi.

"A ride, Ryan, he just gave me a ride." Seth didn't really expect his words to calm Ryan down and he stepped back towards the wall to get himself out of his path. He wasn't worried about being backed up against a wall because it was Ryan and he trusted him not to hurt him on purpose. Still, accidents did happen so it was best to stay out of the direct path of someone storming back and forth like they were on century duty.

"Ugh!" Ryan slammed his hand against a nearby wall, bringing his head down to rest on his knuckles as he apparently tried to calm himself down. Seth thought he said something, but he couldn't understand what it was. Seth was uneasy with addressing Ryan in his current state, but he figured that if Ryan assumed he just wasn't responding that things would probably be worse.

"I, uh, can't hear you, cuz, you know…you're mouth is on your hand."

"I said…" Ryan pushed himself off of the wall and turned back to face Seth, his visage once again calm, "Was it as good as the one from last night?"

"…"

"You can't answer, can you? Both of them were just that good?" Ryan seemed to have a special talent for antagonizing him. Isn't that just the jackpot Seth would have to hit?

"…"

"You're never this quiet."

"I don't know what to say." Seth's thought he was remaining calm, but his body was subtly shaking as his mind raced through all the things that this could possibly be about.

"You don't know what type of lie to tell because you don't know how I know this."

"You know…_this_."

"You don't even know what to admit to." Ryan seemed resolved. Not even disappointed, just resolved that this was the way things were and there wasn't any reason to expect anymore from people. Or anymore from Seth.

"I don't know what you think--."

"What I know."

"—but you're pretty sure about whatever it is. You say you know something."

"If I believe half of what I see, then I can believe 1 hour of a two hour tape." Ryan never let his eyes waver from Seth's as he said this.

Seth didn't know what to think. He couldn't even comprehend what Ryan had on tape. How was there a tape? What was it of?

"Whoa, wait," Seth grabbed a section of his own hair, struggling to grasp what Ryan was telling him, "how is there a tape? What are you saying to me? I do not understand any of what is going on right now."

"Do you know what was going on yesterday when you were supposed to be ending things—with your _abuser_?"

Seth thought it was odd the way Ryan said 'abuser'. Sarcastically. Since when was Ryan sarcastic, especially about something like that?

"I don't understand why you're mad about that. You and I agreed that I should go."

"To end it. Not to whore it up in some goddamn hotel room."

"You know I was in a hotel." For some reason an unwarranted wave of amazement washed over Seth.

"It's sitting there on tape!" And that quickly, the amazement was replaced with nausea. As Ryan spoke, he stormed over to the VCR and frantically pressed the stop button several times before the eject function pushed out the tape in question. He held it up as if there was nothing more to say, but Seth didn't agree.

"You don't even know when that was taped."

"How many times were you at a hotel, Seth? You just admitted you were at one yesterday. The 27th? Yesterday? You said what day it was _on the tape_!"

"It was goodbye. That's all it was." Seeing things were quickly going downhill, Seth attempted to smooth things over by focusing on what he thought Ryan would see as the positives coming out of this.

Ryan lifted the tape slightly, "You look like you had some fun saying your goodbyes."

"It was so we could be left alone, and so I wouldn't have to deal with him constantly _there_." Seth wished he could make Ryan understand. Okay, he'd had a good time that night, but there was so much he'd endured before that, he truly went there to make it stop. To make Luke leave him alone so Ryan would be with him. But, Ryan didn't get it.

"Does this look like being left alone?" Ryan waggled the tape in front of Seth's face. "Do you want to see what being left alone looks like? Let's watch being left alone. "

"I really hope you're joking . There's just no way—you cannot possibly think I'd watch that tape with you. Sitting there, letting you see me like that."

"I already saw more than you'd ever want me to."

"Yeah, that' since. Why the hell did you even keep that? And I come in & you've got the tape in, and you just sat there. What? Did you plan this out? We were just going to sit down and watch one of the most humiliating events in my weak, pathetic life. You want to torture me for what I did? Well, I don't accept that. I'm not subjecting myself—."

"You won't watch this with me?" Ryan waved the tape back and forth as his wrist flicked around in anger. "You won't 'subject yourself' to that? You subjected yourself to making the tape."

"I didn't know he was taping it."

"That's not the goddamn point!" Ryan was turning red. Seth could look at him and tell that this was something Ryan constantly tried to avoid. All that silence and brooding was an effort to keep this under control. Seth was suddenly very thankful for all that brooding. "Damnit, Seth! You had sex with him again!"

"I know it's not the way you would handle things. But, I can't 'take charge' of things the way that you do. I can't punch my way out of confrontations, and responsibilities, and my choice of cereal in the morning. I don't throw a fist at everything _my _life throws in front of me."

"Don't turn this around on me. This is about you and your actions." Ryan's words were almost a whisper, as he seemed to spit them out at Seth.

Seth sighed, saddened by this regression from the progress they'd made earlier, "I got back the next morning. You had to know."

"I had to give you some credit."

"Meaning, you had to think that I got forced into it again. You'd rather have me go through all that then just end things on my terms."

"Your terms. So you came up with it. You wanted to—no—let's be honest here. You either wanted to do it or you were scared into playing nice, meaning he's controlling you right now and could have you whenever he wanted anyway."

"You saw the stupid tape. You seem capable of making up your mind about what happened. Everything I felt. You're the expert on everything that's going on here. I'm so readable—."

"Which was it? Did you want it or are you still his property? Am I trespassing if I touch you?" Ryan taunted him by placing a rough, teasing hand on Seth's neck and pushing gently, moving Seth's head around awkwardly.

"Don't touch me like that!" Seth pushed Ryan back causing Ryan's hand to scrape along his chin and throw his head back into the wall. Seth wondered if he felt guilty at all for doing so.

"You did that to yourself." Seth thought he could hear concern masked under Ryan's coolness towards him.

Seth cupped the back of his head with his right hand, still wincing from the pain. "You're just like him." Seth was disappointed in himself for not being able to come up with something better than that.

Ryan stood still for a moment, obviously deciding on the best response to what sounded like an accusation.

"I'm enough like him that I can see why he did it."

Seth could feel the hurt register on his own face, unable to believe that Ryan had actually said those words. What he'd said was a generic comeback, a fill in the blanks statement for these situations. What Ryan said…you don't even think something like that unless it's true. And to verbalize it….

"I don't see any reason for me to even keep standing here." Ryan started to head out of the living room. Seth noticed he clutched the tape firmly in his right hand and he was walking with a very intent gait. He started to worry about what Ryan was going to do with that tape, specifically if he was heading over to the Cooper residence to seal the deal on whatever he did or didn't have going on with Marissa.

"Give me the tape, Ryan." As he spoke, Seth saw Ryan's knuckles whiten in a grip that looked like it should be breaking the plastic casing. He turned around, but didn't walk any closer.

"Why? It was clearly made for my benefit. I want it. I can have my _fun_ with it."

"Ryan, you're being irrational. You're mad about what happened—before we made up, I'll remind you. And you may feel you want revenge on me, and on him, but that tape—."

"Is just one copy. I doubt it's the only one. You should be less worried about what I'm planning on doing with it, and more worried about Luke."

"Yeah." Seth had to laugh at that. "And yet somehow I think that Luke has a lot more to lose than you or I do when it comes to other people seeing that tape."

"Does he?"

"…"

Seth hadn't expected Ryan to challenge him on that. It seemed pretty obvious. Of course Luke had a lot to lose. People with an actual social status had something to lose. People who were already outcasts only faced a potential increase in harassment. Basic logic.

"Did you stop to ask yourself why he made the tape? Couldn't have just been for himself, because I have a copy with me. Is it really just about showing me how happy you two are together?"

"Um, hello, it's clearly about breaking us up. He doesn't want me to be all happy-go-lucky with you while he's stuck being Mr. Closeted Uber-Jock with no one to harass anymore."

"You don't think he'd just start in on you again if he wanted to?"

"No, because I've got this completely compulsive street fighter who has gone and stood up for me from day one—literally—and that is very intimidating. _You_ are very intimidating. You should know that."

"Yeah. I could see how you'd think that…but, if he's so scared of me, then why show me this?"

"I don't—."

"Why?"

"Just to be a prick about things I guess."

"Wrong. Why?"

"Maybe it wasn't really supposed to go to you." Seth knew it was lame, but he was still reeling from Ryan's earlier comment, and he was tired of trying to come up with motives for Luke's behavior. How about 'he's crazy'. That seemed like as good an answer as any.

"Okay…" Seth could sense Ryan's frustration, but he seriously couldn't see what he was getting at. "You said you were worried he'd hurt himself. I'm guessing that's why you went through with this, when I asked you not to & you promised me you wouldn't."

"I thought…but, I saw him now, and he seems fine." Seth was flustered, unsure of everything now. Every time he tried to understand what Ryan was trying to get across to him he just kept thinking: _Ryan understands why Luke did it. He can comprehend why Luke hit me, and cursed at me, and forced me into things I didn't want to do. He can understand why someone would do that to me. He thinks I deserve it._

"People seem a lot of things that they're not." Ryan's words held a double meaning to Seth's ears, and he couldn't shake the feeling that a line had been crossed only minutes ago. "You don't know why he made this tape, you don't know what he's planning. For being so secretive, he was damn sure open about leaving this lying around for me or _anybody_ to find. Did he even care who watched it?"

For possibly the 20th time that night, Seth did not have an answer. As far as Seth knew, Ryan had never spoken so much, or so passionately about anything. Then again, how long had he known him. Not too long. Didn't really know much about him. _I should ask. At some point, I should really ask._

"You think he was obsessed, possibly suicidal, and that may even be true, but suicide to him could mean a lot of different things." Ryan's eyes were soft again, he didn't look like someone who could understand why Luke hurt Seth, he looked caring—and full of pity. "Suicide is throwing your life away. If that tape gets out—his life is over."

**CYCYCY**

A/N: A shall be away for a bit. I hope I come back to reviews. The public slash fictioning is available thanks to your support. So review darn-it!


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